How do I help my child manage their tantrums?

Tantrums may be one of the biggest challenges of parenting kids, especially kids with disabilities who don’t have the language to express their big emotions. Dr. David Stein, pediatric psychologist, explains that tantrums are a normal part of child development. A tantrum a day or a couple of tantrums a day is not abnormal. Dr. Stein says, “The way that I view tantrums, which has some science behind it, is that the child just had some stress built up in their system and they needed to let it out. So it's normal and it's okay, as long as it's not really extreme or violent or too much or too long.”

When a child is having a big tantrum, trying to talk it out or ask why they’re having the tantrum is a big mistake. Parents need to let the tantrum pass and ride it out “because it's this big ball of emotion and energy that they need to get out. Once they get it out, then they can have more of a rational conversation. But in the middle of a tantrum, the front of your brain, which is where all the reasoning and logic live, is totally offline. I try to check in every few minutes and say, ‘Do you need a hug? Do you need any water?’ So they know that we're there to support them but we're not going to try and talk them out of the tantrum because that's not going to work. And the tantrum is a normal healthy part of development, even though it's unpleasant.”

However, if your child is behaving aggressively or hurting themselves during tantrums, such as head-banging, there are some strategies you can use in the moment, and later to develop a plan for avoiding the behavior in future. Some of these strategies can include staying calm, limiting what you say, moving your child to a safer place or environment, using visual cues, removing harmful items and providing alternatives, redirecting your child to another activity, and praising your child. Read more about these strategies here.

Find more information in our full article Common Behavior Challenges in Children (and How to Approach Them).