Emotional Impacts of Relocating During an Emergency

Losing a home due to a natural disaster or family emergency doesn’t just have physical implications – it has emotional impacts as well. Both parents and children can be traumatized by the sudden loss of a home, but there are resources available to help families affected by emergency relocation process their losses and move forward.

Here are some recommended resources put together with the help of CARE-LA Licensed Psychologist Dr. Vivian Wang, PsyD, Psychological Associate Jana Biss, and Psychological Extern Eden Forman.

The National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement provides a list of symptoms children could exhibit if they are dealing with trauma or grief. This list was specifically written for children dealing with the aftermath of the LA wildfires.

• Clinging behavior and fear of separation
• Uncooperative behaviors (for example, being argumentative)
• Nightmares
• Physical complaints (for example, stomachaches, headaches, generally feeling unwell)
• Irritability or indifference
• Eating or sleeping too much or too little
• Returning to babyish behaviors
• Risk-taking behaviors
• Withdrawal from previously enjoyed activities or friends
• Difficulty concentrating or focusing at home or on school work
• Uncontrollable crying
• Decline in school performance

If your child is experiencing these symptoms, the National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement and our experts have tips on how to help bolster children in their time of distress and help them cope.

Maintain routines and activities where possible

A new house can feel unfamiliar at first, but Biss tells us, “Home is the people that you surround yourself with, and not a place. That's something that we all learn in our first move, because that first move is hard when you're moving out of a house that you've always known and it's comfortable and your family is there — it's hard to feel at home again. But recognizing that the people around you are home and kind of facilitating that conversation, but also continuing to keep stability in the routines and the comfort objects that the child has, whether that be a stuffed animal or a blanket. I think those can make it feel like home.”

Here are some more tips:

• Keep routines as much as possible and maintain a sense of home. This can feel overwhelming in a new or temporary housing situation, but focusing on the little things can make it easier. For example, if your child is used to waking up at a certain time each day, make sure that wake up time stays the same in the new location. Biss recommends, “It's helpful to have things that help transitions, whether that be a song that you play during the transition, a stuffed animal during the transition, keeping things as close to how they used to be as you can.”
• Similarly, keep doing familiar activities like sporting events, family walks, or dinner with grandparents. Encourage your children’s friendships and make sure they stay involved in social activities. If your child is worried about spending time with friends they had to move away from, Foreman recommends talking about ways to connect and reassuring your child that they’ll see them again.
• Use a visual schedule to track routines and activities. Biss says, “I think the most important thing is to make sure that there is predictability within the routine,” which you can do by setting up a visual outline of the day and walking through it together. “That predictability creates a sense of safety.” Foreman agrees: “After a tragic event or an emergency happens, it's valid that a child might feel even more anxious about future events. Being able to provide a walkthrough of the day in anticipation can be very regulating and help give the child that sense of control that things will be okay and they know what to expect, and that there's something that they can hold onto to feel safe.”

Dr. Wang says that it can help alleviate kids’ anxiety to give them more control over choices, as appropriate. “Like, ‘Which toy would you like to bring? Would you like to have a pillow on this spot?’ So many changes are happening, so that's going to bring up anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. But when they can channel that energy on things that they have control over, it's comforting in some way. ‘I can't control the world, but I have control over my safety space.’ When they are doing something about it, it provides some grounding for them.”

Biss agrees: “Sometimes when you're in the mess of moving, it's hard to make a place physically feel like home. It's hard to decorate or keep things organized or put things where they're supposed to go because there's just so much chaos that happens when you're moving. So I think acknowledging that and having the child play a role in helping set up the home. What would you like your bedroom to look like? What kind of things could we get that would make this feel more comfortable for you? What kind of bedding would you like? That kind of stuff, whatever you can offer them to give them some say in what the home feels like, and it also takes a little bit off of your load.”

Talk about feelings

• Without pushing them too hard to talk about something they’re not ready to process yet, expose your children to a variety of situations that would give them an opportunity to discuss the traumatic experience like youth groups or counselors. Biss says of support groups, “They're all experiencing similar situations and similar feelings of loss and grief that are hard to process and work through, but when you're talking with other people who have been through similar situations, it makes it a little bit a little bit easier. You feel less alone.”
• Make sure to facilitate those discussions at home as well. Listen when your child wants to talk about losing their house or old friends. Encourage communication about difficult feelings. Foreman emphasizes “acknowledging their emotions and accepting the feelings that come up, whether that's anger or sadness or feeling confused, and helping the child name their feelings.”
• Be patient and observant with behavior challenges. Children who are non-speaking or dysregulated may not have a way to articulate what they’re feeling. In addition to helping make sure our children have ways to communicate that work for them, we can try to understand the feelings behind their behavior, what sensory needs might be triggering a behavior, etc.

Be honest but reassuring

• Keep all discussions about grief age-appropriate by being honest, clear, simple, and reassuring. For young children, emphasize that they are safe and loved. For older children, from middle to high school, be straightforward about the challenges and the opportunities.
• Remain calm and reassuring. As a parent, you’re likely processing grief and trauma as well. It’s okay to be honest with your children about how you’re feeling and prioritize your own mental health as well by seeking counseling or taking time for yourself alone or with friends.

Biss says that being honest and vulnerable with our kids helps them see that they’re not alone in struggling with transition, and Dr. Wang agrees that it’s important to show kids we don’t know everything, but we can figure it out together. Hear more of their advice:

Be honest about your own feelings of fear, but emphasize resiliency and the ability to grow. Biss says it can be helpful “acknowledging in the past times where they've been nervous or anxious before and when it turned out well. ‘What about your first day of school? How was that and how did the rest of the year go? How did you adapt? How did you change what worked well and what didn't?’”

Reframe the changes

When you move to a new home, city, or school, it can be hard for children to adjust leaving friends and favorite places behind. Foreman recommends reframing toward what's still possible: “I think framing it in a way that expresses some gratitude or positivity, like, ‘Oh, we're so lucky that we have a phone, or whatever it is, to connect, or we're so lucky that we still have access to this park where you like to play, like we can still go there.’ So reminding them that things aren't permanent. It doesn't mean that because this change happened, that you're never going to see these people again, that maybe this caused some temporary disruption and routine and ability to socialize. However, they're still around, and there's still that ability to connect.”

Dr. Wang shares that it’s important to normalize their feelings and validate the grief, of losing a neighborhood or a friend. “I also like to help channel, in some ways, that you might not be seeing this person on a day-to-day basis, but the friendship is there. The friendship is different now, what would the new friendship look like for you guys?” For example, you could make plans about when and how often to call each other, or Zoom, or write letters by hand, or emails. “Helping them to conceptualize that this is not the end of the friendship, it's just a different relationship and friendship. Especially if the parents can help out and coordinate with each other and really facilitate that friendship, I think it helps kids to know that it's not a complete, it's not saying ‘I'm never going to have this person in my life ever again,’ but it's just going to show up in a different way.”

Co-regulate

The experts at CARE-LA talk about the importance of co-regulating, meaning calming down together. Here’s what they recommend:

Biss says that co-regulating can help children who have big behaviors in response to their trauma. “In my experience, one of the worst things you can do is try and talk them down out of it, because there's so much sensory dysregulation, they need that quiet. And so what I do is I model it, whether that be playing with the fidget toy and then handing it to them, or grabbing an ice pack from the freezer and putting it on my head to help cool down, because that helps regulate your parasympathetic nervous system. Or sometimes I'll take deep breaths. I have noticed with a lot of children who have been in therapy before, sometimes they don't like to be told to take deep breaths, but if you do it in front of them, sometimes they'll start doing it too. So practicing those kinds of things can be very helpful for the dysregulation of the child as well as for the parent.”

It can be helpful to keep a go-to bag of regulating items. Dr. Wang advises, “You can include things like coping tools, toys, fidgets, scents. Sometimes a smell could be really comforting for a child. Have that so that they can have it with them. Having them in a compact size that they can take wherever they end up, I think that's a good coping kit to have.”

School services

Schools often provide resources for children impacted by loss of any kind, including loss of their homes. Not only do schools offer counseling services, but they also provide a much needed sense of normalcy. In fact, according to the National Association of School Psychologists, one of the most important things for children after a traumatic event is rebuilding routine and establishing a safe place.

If relocating involves starting at a new school, it can be more challenging to return to a sense of normalcy, but the experts at CARE-LA recommend reaching out to your new school team and forming relationships with them right away. Foreman says, “[Your child has] maybe an aide that they're comfortable with, or a teacher, and then having to switch somewhere else can be really challenging. So I think making sure that the parents reinforce to the child that they're part of a team and that they'll have someone just like that teacher or aide on their team is super helpful and encouraging.”

Here’s what Dr. Wang recommends if your child is starting at a new school:

Here are some tips from Dr. Wang, Biss, and Forman:

• Remind your child they're not facing the transition alone. Reassure them that, even if they're leaving behind a favorite teacher or aide, they'll have a new team of adults at their new school who are there to support them.
• Visit the school before the first day, if possible. Walking through the campus ahead of time can help your child know what to expect. Show them their classroom, the gym, the playground, the counselor's office, and other important locations.
• Use the school's website to familiarize your child with the new environment. Look at photos, maps, teacher and staff information, and other resources together so your child has a mental picture of the school before they arrive.
• Point out what will stay the same, even though the setting is different. Help your child identify familiar routines and activities they'll still have, such as recess, circle time, or swinging on the playground. Focusing on both the differences and the similarities can make a new school feel less intimidating.
• Identify your child's support system ahead of time. Make sure your child knows who they can go to for help at school, whether that's a teacher, aide, counselor, or another trusted adult.
• Connect with other families before school starts. If possible, reach out to parents of other new students so the children can meet ahead of time or arrive together on the first day.
• Talk about previous successful transitions. Remind your child of times they were nervous about something new—like the first day of school last year—but eventually adjusted and had positive experiences.
• Reflect on what helped in the past. Ask your child what made previous transitions easier, what strategies worked well, and what they'd like to try again this year.
• Build excitement and confidence. Highlight positive memories from previous school years, such as making a new friend, discovering a favorite activity, or enjoying a teacher, to help motivate your child about the upcoming transition.
• Acknowledge that feeling nervous is normal. Let your child know it's okay to feel anxious about starting somewhere new while also reminding them that they have the skills and support to adapt.

Social Stories

Foreman says, “I find that a helpful tool, especially for non-speaking clients, is Social Stories. Social Stories are visual little books or stories that talk about a certain situation. You can write your own.” Social Stories, a technique developed by founder Carol Gray, can be tailored to specific situations, and they can be helpful for children processing traumatic events.

Dr. Wang suggests using online tools to create a story from your child's perspective, then reading it together or even illustrating it as a family. Creating the story together can be calming in itself — it gives your child something concrete to focus on and helps validate their feelings while showing them what to expect. You can also find free social stories on YouTube and other websites, or ask your child's school or therapist if they have resources to share.

Check out our article here with a template for creating your own.

Creative activities

“You can have the child draw the situation,” Foreman continues. “Another thing that I find helpful is using toys or dolls or stuffed animals to kind of reenact things or talk about feelings and use those as tools to communicate in that way.”

Dr. Wang says, “That could be such a cool exercise the family can do, having the story and drawing pictures together. I think sometimes when you are left with not being able to do something, the worry builds in your head. But when you're able to take action, when you're able to do some sort of activity together, it's in some way a coping tool for the stressor for whatever is happening.”

Books

Foreman says, “It can be very helpful to have another perspective and kind of look at it as someone else, and rather than trying to sit and process their specific experience, but rather reading about it or learning about it.”

Here are some books recommended by Dr. Wang:

• A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret Holmes
• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

Dr. Wang also recommends resources from Sesame Street about mental health. “Seeing it coming from a character that they recognize or a kid that's their peer, I think that the message hits a little bit differently.”

Support for parents

Dr. Wang points out that helping your child cope with the relocation is only part of it — parent mental health is incredibly important too. “Parents are doing so much for their child in this process: moving, finding a new place, and setting everything up. And I just hope that they're also taking care of themselves and not leaving them out of that equation. I think when parents are supported, it builds a foundation for the family.”