When a child is struggling with school refusal — also known as school phobia, school avoidance, school anxiety, or school aversion — parents often wish they could connect with other parents going through the same thing. Whether it’s to share what works and what doesn’t, or to feel the support of someone who truly understands, it can feel overwhelming and difficult to know where to start. School refusal is complex, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Here are some school refusal do’s and don’ts, compiled from experts Lauren Stutman, Psy.D, founder and clinical director of CARE-LA; Molly Marsh, MS, LLP, school refusal program director at Thriving Minds; and Sandra Dixon Shove, a non-attorney special education advocate at EPIC Advocacy and Consulting.
Do initiate open and honest conversations with your child (if possible) to uncover their feelings about school, such as what about school upsets them the most, whether a time of day seems to be harder for them, if they’re being bullied, or how they feel about school in general this year compared to last year.
Do look for subtle cues such as changes in behavior patterns, unusual clinginess, or somatic complaints like stomach aches or headaches, especially if your child is nonspeaking.
Do validate your child’s feelings by showing empathy and creating a safe space for them to share without feeling judged.
Do ask the school to help identify the root cause of a child’s aversion, such as unmet accessibility needs that may be contributing to your child's school refusal, as well as what they are doing to make school less anxiety-inducing — and make sure to keep in regular contact throughout this process.
Do ask your child’s general practitioner or psychologist for a School Refusal Assessment Scale.
Do stay in close contact with your child’s special education team or case manager, and make sure to document everything. If your child has a medical condition like anxiety, you can ensure that the school is updated regularly and that any relevant notes or plans, like an IEP, are on file to avoid misunderstandings regarding truancy.
Do gently guide your child back into the school routine while addressing their underlying challenges, such as an exposure-based approach, which is about slowly increasing the time a child spends at school.
Do utilize school supports such as a Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) and a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) to understand and address behaviors and/or adjust the IEP or 504 plan to include necessary accommodations while you're trying to get them back into school more often.
Do take it to the next level: bring the issue to the school board or even take legal action if the school isn’t taking your concerns seriously; you may want an advocate or an attorney who specializes in education law to ensure that a child’s rights are being upheld if the school continues to treat the situation as truancy and doesn’t seem to recognize your child’s needs.
If school refusal continues to be an issue, do look for alternative solutions, such as switching schools, working in a pod, homeschooling, or enrolling in online school, if such an approach is feasible for your family.
Don’t let the school minimize or brush off your concerns about school anxiety; trust your instincts.
Don’t rush your child’s return to school without addressing what made them want to avoid it in the first place.
Don’t assume school avoidance is only about challenging behavior; look into other underlying issues, like anxiety or communication.
Don’t panic if you learn your child has been referred to SARB — it often sounds more serious than it actually is.
Don’t hesitate to bring up a difficult teacher interaction with school staff if it’s affecting your child, and don’t assume that changing classrooms is out of the question — it’s worth discussing if needed.
Don’t skip discussing possible related resources or accommodations with the school, such as sensory tools, social skills support, break times that could ease your child’s school day, or counseling or behavior support services that can be added to their IEP to address anxiety or school-related stress.
Don’t hesitate to request adjustments or reevaluate your child’s 504 plan or IEP if they need help with re-entry, like extra breaks or gradual exposure back into school.
Don’t assume the general education classroom is the only option — consider other settings if your child isn’t thriving with added support.
Don’t reduce support too quickly if you see improvement — consistent interventions are essential for lasting progress.
Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t be afraid to reach out for help; you’re not alone.
For more information on addressing school avoidance and anxiety, see our full article School Refusal 101.
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