School Refusal 101

As parents of children with disabilities, dealing with school refusal can feel like being trapped in a maze with no easy way out. Sometimes it’s not just about a child not wanting to go to school, it’s about the deep fear that makes even the thought of attending unbearable. Though this can feel like an unsolvable puzzle, there are ways to help your child through it.

Unlike the occasional “I don’t feel like going to school today,” school refusal is a persistent issue that often stems from underlying emotional or psychological concerns. Understandably, it’s frustrating for parents, as no one wants to see their child struggle. When this happens, it can feel overwhelming and difficult to know where to start. But the first step is understanding what’s going on beneath the surface, so you can find the best ways to support your child and help them gradually feel more at ease with returning to school.

To learn more about this issue, plus get some tips on how to manage it, we sat down with Lauren Stutman, Psy.D, founder and clinical director of CARE-LA; Molly Marsh, MS, LLP, school refusal program director at Thriving Minds; and Sandra Dixon Shove, a non-attorney special education advocate at EPIC Advocacy and Consulting.

Let’s begin by unpacking what school refusal actually means. It isn’t about a child being lazy or difficult; it’s when attending school becomes a constant challenge. School refusal — also known as school phobia or school avoidance — describes a child’s regular refusal to go to school or stay at school. However, the child isn’t skipping school because they want to or because they just don’t feel like going; they’re doing it because school has become a place they just can’t cope with.

School refusal can look different from one child to the next. For some, it might mean refusing to get out of bed or leave the house in the morning. Others might make it to school but then spend a lot of time in the nurse’s office or try to leave school early. Other kids just can’t get in the car or on the bus, while still others feel the need to come home immediately after arriving at school. And here is the tricky part: the longer school refusal goes on, the harder it can be for kids to return to school.

Getting to the root of school refusal

Understanding the “why” early can make a huge difference. While school refusal isn’t a diagnosis on its own, it’s often linked to other challenges kids might be facing.

Dr. Stutman notes that school refusal is often linked to underlying issues such as depression, anxiety disorders — social anxiety, generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, or panic disorders — or disabilities such as autism, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Dr. Stutman also mentions that other factors such as bullying, a scary event at school, or even something as simple as an emergency drill can be triggering for sensitive kids. Sometimes, an unkind teacher or a negative experience in class can make school feel unbearable.

Let’s take a step back and think about school refusal from a different angle — by understanding what our kids may be trying to communicate through their actions. It’s not just about stopping the refusal; it’s about uncovering why it’s happening. This is where a functional approach comes into play. Basically, it involves looking at what happens before (the antecedent), during (the behavior), and after (the consequence) a child refuses school to get a better understanding of what might be causing their behavior.

Marsh says that one of the first steps she takes when working with families is to understand the child’s background. She administers the School Refusal Assessment Scale, developed by Dr. Christopher A. Kearney, a clinical child psychologist who specializes in school refusal, and Dr. Anne-Marie Albano, a clinical child and adolescent psychologist. This self-report tool has both parent and child forms, which help identify one of the four basic functions causing the child’s behavior: avoidance, escape, attention, and access to comforts.

In this clip, Marsh explains how the school refusal assessment scale is administered, and the four key functions:

A lack of accessibility

Each of these four can be caused by many different factors, but one factor at the root of avoidance we want to highlight can be a lack of accessibility at school. A child may feel left out, or feel the school isn’t making space for them or their needs. Shove tells us, “If parents and/or school believe that the student’s unmet access needs are contributing to the school avoidance/phobia/refusal, then those access needs have to be proactively addressed in whatever transition-back-to-school planning is happening.”

What can this look like? Shove adds, “If the student is not able to access the school program because of unmet sensory needs, for example, the school needs first to ensure appropriate evaluation of those sensory needs has occurred, most likely in the home setting. Then the school specialist (in most cases the OT) needs to build rapport with the student and begin working with the student to use appropriate sensory regulation strategies and tools, first in the home, and eventually generalizing to using them as needed in various settings (eventually at school). Once the student is able to access the necessary sensory regulation supports across settings, then the student can gradually be introduced to the classroom setting and become comfortable using the same supports there. But all of that may need to happen before any direct instruction or task demands are placed on the student. A dysregulated student cannot attend to instruction, absorb new information, or demonstrate their knowledge or skills. All the dysregulated student can do is try to become regulated.”

When a child is refusing to go to school, it can feel frustrating and confusing, but it’s important to take a step back and try to understand what they might be trying to communicate.

Dr. Stutman suggests starting with something simple: having an open and honest conversation with the child. She recommends asking open-ended questions, such as what about school upsets them the most, whether a time of day seems to be harder for them, or how they feel about school in general this year compared to last year?

The key here is to listen without rushing in to solve the problem straightaway because, as Dr. Stutman points out, children often shut down when parents jump into “fix it” mode quickly. Instead, focus on validating your child’s feelings by showing empathy and creating a safe space for them to share without feeling judged.

Marsh, who specializes in school refusal, echoes that sentiment. She adds that building a rapport with a child will help them open up about what’s going on at school. It’s all about building a strong connection with your child, so they know you are there to support them.

Shove says she prefers reframing it as “school aversion.” This shift changes the conversation from presuming that the child is simply refusing to go to school to asking why they feel this way. It encourages a more understanding and supportive approach.

What if the child is nonspeaking?

It goes without saying that communication with a nonspeaking child can be challenging. There are, however, ways to understand what might be going on. Dr. Stutman suggests looking for subtle cues such as changes in behavior patterns, unusual clinginess, or somatic complaints like stomach aches or headaches.

If a child uses another mode of communication, such as sign language or AAC (augmentative and alternative communication), encourage them to express their feelings through that method of communication. Dr. Stutman also recommends using art, such as drawing, to help nonspeaking or very young kids communicate their thoughts.

Childhood bullying can undoubtedly have a long-lasting impact on a child, and if a child is scared to go to school due to bullying from peers or because of a negative experience with a teacher, it’s totally normal to feel worried and unsure of what to do next. But there are steps you can take to make your child feel safe and supported again, such as having conversations with the school and writing a Gebser letter. Read our article Bullying and Kids with Disabilities for more information.

What if it’s a teacher or therapist issue?

If the problem is a bad interaction with a teacher, Marsh suggests addressing it with school staff, such as a social worker or an administrator. Depending on the situation, you might want to consider moving your child to a different classroom, especially if the interaction feels severe or beyond repair. If, however, it’s something that can be resolved, Marsh recommends taking steps to rebuild the relationship between the teacher and the child. Something to note: some districts claim that moving a child to a different classroom is not allowed, but every child is unique. It might not be as easy as switching, but the conversation should be initiated if it's a major problem.

Shove points out that sometimes teachers might act differently with certain students, not because they’re intentionally being mean, but because they’re not as comfortable working with kids who have specific needs. It could also be a mismatch in communication style: some students thrive with direct instructions, while others find that approach too confrontational and respond better to a gentler method.

She adds that the first step is to see whether the teacher or therapist has the right resources and training to support your child. They may just need a bit more guidance on how to connect with a child in a way that feels safe and supportive. And there’s no shame in that! Just like we don’t expect our kids to be perfect at everything, we can’t expect every teacher to be either. It’s about working together to find a solution.

Sometimes, it’s just not a good fit

Sometimes, even with extra support and training, the match just isn’t right. Maybe your child still doesn’t feel comfortable with a particular teacher or therapist, and you’ve tried all the strategies you can think of. Shove understands the dilemma. She says it’s okay to ask for a change. She explains, “We have more than one teacher, more than one speech therapist in the district, more than one occupational therapist or whomever. And there have been cases that I have had where we requested just a change of provider, a change of speech therapist or what have you, in order to get a more successful match. And it's not a personal affront. It's not attacking anybody or calling anybody names. It's just saying in this instance, this is not a great match.” But again, keep in mind that the school may not agree to a change, especially if the reason is "just not a great match." It will depend very much on the school and the resources available.

What if the school isn’t helping?

If the school isn’t taking your concerns seriously, Dr. Stutman recommends taking it to the next level. This might involve bringing the issue to the school board or even taking legal action if necessary. She acknowledges that some families might not have the energy, time, or resources to go through such a lengthy process, and that’s okay. The key here is about doing what’s best for your family. But it’s important to know that escalating your concerns is an option, if it comes to that.

Getting truancy letters from the school, especially when your child is dealing with something as serious as anxiety, can be alarming. But Shove assures us that these truancy measures often come from misunderstandings within the system, and there are ways to navigate it without panic.

Shove shares, “A colleague of mine had a student with a chronic medical issue that required he sometimes leave school or not come to school. Sometimes there wasn't a lot of warning; he would need to go to the nurse and go home immediately. And his school district went ahead and pursued this as somehow a voluntary non-attendance, truancy-based situation, and they let it go all the way to the SARB [School Attendance Review Board] hearing, which is the truancy hearing with the [County] District’s Attorney's representative. And when the attorney's representative looked at the records and saw this IEP and saw this student's robust medical history, and all of the explanations of the situation and why he needed to not come to school or to leave school without a lot of warning, she simply stopped and said, ‘I don't believe we have jurisdiction here. This is a disability issue. This is not a truancy issue, so I'm ending the hearing and handing it back to the IEP team to ensure that the student’s needs are being met through the IEP process.’ And I think that was a really good example of sometimes there are misunderstandings.”

What should you do if this happens?

First off, don’t panic. As Shove explains, these situations are usually the result of a mixup that can be easily corrected with communication. Stay in close contact with your child’s special education team or case manager, and make sure to document everything. If your child has a medical condition like anxiety, you can ensure that the school is updated regularly and that any relevant notes or plans, like an IEP, are on file. The key is to document everything.

Shove shares another example of miscommunication: “I had a similar situation many years ago with a very, very anxious student. The parent had a close communication with the student's case manager, and literally every morning they would be talking to each other or texting each other about how regulated he was and whether or not he was going to be able to come to school, if he needed to arrive late, if he was going to come at lunchtime that day, and so on, and then suddenly they were getting truancy warnings. Well, it was because the case manager wasn't reporting that information on a daily basis to the attendance office. So, the attendance clerk is just looking at who's on campus, who was absent that day, and they were doing their job as they had been trained to do. They did not know that an exception was in place. The case manager didn't realize that the attendance office wasn't aware of this. And so again, it came to this kind of crisis experience with getting a [County] District’s Attorney's representative involved, but the attorney's rep came to the IEP meeting and reassured everybody that they did not view this as a truancy problem.”

What if the school doesn’t get it?

If, despite your best efforts, the school continues to treat the situation as truancy and doesn’t seem to recognize your child’s needs, it might be time to bring in some additional support. According to Shove, this could be an advocate or an attorney who specializes in education law. Their role would be to help explain the situation, ensure that a child’s rights are being upheld, and make sure the correct information is being presented to the school.

The good news? Shove says most cases don’t get to that point. Once the school sees the full picture — especially when they review medical notes and IEPs — they usually recognize that it’s a matter of supporting a student’s health, not punishing absences.

So if truancy letters come in, don’t panic. It’s likely a misunderstanding that can be cleared up with a little communication. You’ve got this!

Should you fear the SARB?

If you’ve just found out that your child has been referred to SARB, it’s completely normal to feel a bit nervous because, let’s face it, it sounds serious. But Shove assures us that it isn’t something we need to fear. She notes, “In the case of a student with a disability where that disability is interfering with the student's ability to attend school, that is absolutely outside of the realm. And typically, once that information is made clear, then this SARB — the School Attendance Review Board — dismisses themselves from the process and sends it back to the IEP team.”

When it comes to helping a child with school refusal, a few different approaches can make a difference. The goal is to gently guide your child back into the school routine while addressing their underlying challenges. Marsh takes an exposure-based approach, which is about slowly increasing the time a child spends at school. If, for instance, they’re currently attending two days a week, then the next step might be adding just a half day on a third day. And once the child feels good about that, you can slowly add more time. The important thing is not to rush it, because pushing too hard too soon can backfire. The goal is to see consistent progress before adding more challenges.

Dr. Stutman mentions cognitive behavioral family therapy (CBFT) as a great place to start, as well as behavioral therapy, positive reinforcement, and family-centered therapy In some cases, Dr. Stutman and Marsh suggest that medication could be a helpful option, especially if a child’s anxiety is severe. Listen to Dr. Stutman explain some of these interventions in more detail:

Shove, a former teacher, suggests that when addressing school refusal, it’s essential to work closely with the school to determine and improve the environment that might be contributing to the child’s discomfort. Dr. Stutman agrees that collaboration with the school is essential. She says it’s about working together to help meet a child’s needs. She explains, “We'd work closely with teachers, counselors, the administrators to come up with a plan that's individualized to each child. They may be able to qualify for an IEP, which would mean that those interventions would be more enforceable, but if we see that the school is not taking this seriously, we would then need to escalate it, maybe to the school board or even seek legal counsel, because it's really important the school collaborates.”

You can start by asking the school to help identify the root cause of a child’s aversion, if you’re not sure what it is. Sometimes, children feel overwhelmed due to factors like bullying, unmet needs, or a general feeling of being unsupported. Your child may not have shared these concerns with you, but the teacher or another staff member may have noticed them. It’s important that the school acknowledges these potential issues and works with you to investigate these factors thoroughly. You may need to speak with teachers, counselors, and other staff members to gather insights into your child’s experience.

For instance, if bullying is an issue, the school should take steps to address it directly — whether through better monitoring, creating a safer environment, or offering social support to a child. If it’s academic struggles, the school can provide extra support, such as tutoring or accommodations to meet your child’s needs.

Sometimes, kids are struggling in ways that aren't as obvious. Maybe a child doesn’t have the language skills to communicate their needs, or they’re dealing with anxiety that no one’s picked up on. In these cases, Shove says the school might need to bring in additional services, such as counseling or language support, to make sure your child has what they need to succeed.

According to Shove, when it comes to addressing school refusal, a Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) and a Behavior Intervention Plan (BIP) can help too. The FBA is a way to understand what’s going on behaviorally with your child. It helps identify what might be triggering the refusal and what’s keeping it going. Depending on the results of the FBA, a BIP can be a great way to put a strategy in place to deal with challenging behaviors. The important thing here is consistency — sometimes BIPs work so well that people start to ease off the support, thinking the problem is fixed, only for the behavior to come back because the support was removed. So, even when your child makes progress, it's essential to keep that support in place.

But if your child has a more complex history, such as anxiety that’s been building up over time or perhaps an undiagnosed condition like autism, the FBA and BIP might not cover everything. In those cases, a broader assessment — such as looking into the child’s language skills or learning abilities — could help identify other factors that might be influencing their school refusal. It’s important to assess every area of need, especially if the problem seems more significant than just behavior alone.

Per Shove, it’s also worth noting that if your child has an IEP or a 504 plan, those behavior needs should be fully addressed. Even if it feels like everything is going well, if something suddenly shifts and your child’s aversion to school intensifies, it’s a good idea to re-evaluate. Sometimes all it takes is one change for everything to unravel, and it's important to reassess to make sure nothing is overlooked.

Overall, the most important thing is that we don’t just push kids back into school without addressing what made them want to avoid it in the first place. The school has a responsibility to create an environment where a child feels safe, supported, and ready to learn. Working together — whether it’s through evaluations, support services, or just better communication — can make a huge difference in turning things around.

IEP services to address school refusal

You don’t have to be alone in your efforts to help your child work through school refusal. There are supports that can be put into your child’s IEP to help navigate this challenging time.

When thinking about adding services to an IEP goal to address school refusal, it’s about starting with what the child needs. Shove advises parents to begin by asking this simple question: What does my child need to be successful in this area? She encourages parents to shift their thinking from what the school can offer to what their child actually needs. By zeroing in on the child’s needs, we can explore the right services and support to put in place.

Here is the great part: an IEP can include anything a child needs, though the actual terms of the IEP might vary from district to district. There’s no one-size-fits-all, and that’s a positive thing because every child is different. So, what do these services look like? Shove tells us, “Sometimes we have direct services, counseling services, behavior support services. We might have outside experts with particular training and expertise in a specific area.” She adds that the district or local education agency (LEA) may provide resource experts from the central district office, who are assigned to support the student’s program at their local school. While there are different options available, the main goal is to keep the student in the general education program as much as possible, provided they can benefit from it.

While working on getting a child to school, Marsh suggests adjusting the IEP or 504 plan to include necessary accommodations. She suggests “providing adequate accommodations to their IEPs or to their 504 plans in the meantime, while you're trying to get them back into school more often, and then, of course, once their attendance goes back to normal, then [you] would want to change those accommodations back to more of a typical functioning.” She adds that schools might use an exposure plan to gently reintroduce a child to the school environment. This could involve giving them certain privileges, like extra time with friends, a special lunch spot, or simply acknowledging their hard work.

Shove also points out that while the goal is to keep kids in general education whenever possible, if a child still isn’t thriving despite the extra support, it’s okay to explore other settings that might work better for them. The overall goal here is to keep the services as individualized as possible. Whether a child needs social skills support, sensory tools in the classroom, or short breaks throughout the day, the idea is to build a system that supports the child’s needs.

Building a strong school team

Shove reminds us that it’s also important to remember that the first provider a child meets may not always have the exact training or expertise they need, and that’s okay. Schools often have other mental health professionals who work at different sites or through the district office. In some cases, they might even bring in outside providers. For example, if a child has specific language needs or requires specialized support for autism, the school might need to contract with someone who has the right experience, such as a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or who understands how to work with children with autism.

Shove stresses that as parents, we should also know exactly who’s working with our children. It’s easy to assume that all staff are trained in everything, but no one person is an expert in every area. If the school’s staff doesn’t have the right expertise, it’s okay for the district to look outside the school to find a qualified specialist from the community, neighboring districts, or even private providers. It’s all about ensuring your child gets the best support for their unique needs.

Shove advises, “If you find yourself in a situation where it seems like the people that are working with your child or that are being brought in to work with your child may or may not have the background needed to be effective, it’s good for parents to ask those questions: What is your training? What is your licensure or your credential? What is your background? Do you have additional training or additional experience with this particular targeted population? Because, again, the whole “I” in IEP goes back to individualized, and the law was written around the precept that students on IEPs have unique needs that are specific to themselves and that they need and deserve services, supports and so on, instructional strategies that are aligned with and targeted to their particular unique needs. And sometimes that just requires moving outside of the sort of regular staff of support within any given school.”

Is the school obligated to provide mental health services?

In this clip, Shove addresses the school’s obligation to provide educationally related mental health services (ERMHS).

If you’ve exhausted all the usual methods, it might be time to consider alternate treatments. Dr. Stutman has some possible solutions. She suggests considering switching schools, working in a pod, homeschooling, or enrolling in online school, if such an approach is feasible for your family. She adds, “A number of my patients have gone to Fusion Academy [a private school that provides personalized learning opportunities], but again, that is all dependent on the financial means of the family, the time that they have to devote. Sometimes going against the district can be extremely time consuming and costly, unfortunately. I know we give all this advice, like, ‘Do this, do this, do this.’ And some parents have, you know, one-parent households, and they're working, and they're just struggling to get by. So that's when being able to find a therapist could be the best option, and obviously doing that behavioral plan.”

Is schooling over Zoom an option?

You might wonder whether your child can attend class remotely like they did in 2021, and the short answer is yes, it's possible. Shove says this is especially true if a child had a positive experience with remote learning. While not all students did well with remote learning, some found it more accessible and suited to their needs. Parents can absolutely ask for a similar setup if it worked for your child.

For instance, you can ask the school to consider a hybrid setup, where a classroom teacher teaches as usual but also sets up a device so your child can join through Zoom or another platform. This allows them to see and hear the lessons, participate in class, and engage with other students — all while staying at home. If remote learning was a good fit before, it's worth discussing whether it could work again.

If your child is struggling with more serious anxiety or trauma related to going to school, you can also ask for individual services either remotely or in person. For some students, even having someone come to the home can feel too overwhelming. In cases like this, starting with Zoom sessions could be a gentle way to ease into it. Shove explains, “I had a student that we were successful with that as well. Parents enrolled the student in an independent study program that Zoom was an option for. So, the days where the student got up and just said, ‘No, I can't leave the house today,’ the teacher was available to do the individual instruction remotely via Zoom, and they were able to flexibly go back and forth according to the student’s needs at any given time. And of course, gradually, over time, they increased the amount of time the student was able to be in person and the amount of time per day that the student was able to tolerate interacting.”

Independent study and home hospital instruction

When it comes to temporary options such as home hospital instruction or independent study, these programs are designed to help students who, for whatever reason, can’t attend school for a while. Usually, they’re meant to be short-term solutions, with timelines that range from around 8 to 12 weeks, depending on the district. In some cases, this can be extended if a student needs more time to recover or adjust, but it’s not intended to be a permanent solution.

Shove shares that she previously worked with a student who faced a similar challenge. The parents enrolled their child in an independent study program where Zoom was available. On days when leaving the house just wasn’t possible, the teacher would step in with remote instruction. Over time, as the student grew more comfortable, they increased their in-person attendance and interaction.

That said, there is flexibility. Shove notes that in California, for instance, students can do a hybrid model, meaning if they’re in the hospital for a few days, they can receive remote instruction, and once they’re home and feeling better, they can start attending school again in person. This approach ensures students don’t fall behind while dealing with temporary challenges.

If it turns out that your child will need longer-term support, such as remote learning or independent study beyond just a couple of months, the school can work with you to update your child’s IEP. That way, a more permanent plan can be created — whether it’s a regular Zoom setup in the classroom or a full-time independent study program. The goal is always to make sure your child continues to learn in a way that feels safe and supportive for them.

Intensive outpatient programs

When does it become more than just school refusal? Dr. Stutman notes that there are certain signs to watch for that suggest a more intensive approach might be needed. If you notice that your child’s school refusal is starting to affect other parts of their life — perhaps they experience a change in sleep patterns, mood swings, withdrawal from friends, or a lack of interest in activities they once enjoyed — it could be a sign that the problem is deeper than just school.

For some children, she explains, the problem might not just be school-related but could indicate a more significant underlying issue, such as anxiety, depression, or even sensory overload. These signs indicate that your child might need more structured, therapeutic intervention.

Dr. Stutman says that some children benefit from intensive outpatient programs (IOP), where they go to therapy several times a week for a few hours each day. In some cases, therapists have even helped transport children to school, easing the transition by removing the stress of having their parents involved. “We have kids coming in five days a week, three to four hours a day, to get them back. We've had therapists actually drive them to the school so that they're not with their parents when they do that, which can be helpful.”

She adds that there are also therapeutic day programs and partial hospitalization programs where children get both therapeutic and educational support. This might sound like a big step, but it can be effective for some children, especially when traditional methods aren’t working. In some cases, medication may also be introduced to help manage underlying issues like anxiety or depression. If this is something you're interested in pursuing, note that the educational piece of these programs would come from placement through the IEP process.

Dr. Stutman also notes that alternative schooling can be a helpful option. Some programs offer a more personalized approach, and in some cases, therapy and schooling are integrated to better support the student’s emotional and academic needs. Some parents also explore homeschooling, which can be a great option — especially in places such as California, where there are plenty of resources and support available. However, it can be challenging if the family’s schedule or other commitments pose difficulties.

Supporting a child through school refusal can feel really hard, and as parents, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. You want to be understanding and supportive, but you also know your child can’t just stay home indefinitely. The key is finding a balance between being compassionate and still encouraging them to take those little steps toward going back to school. But how do you balance those two? Dr. Stutman has some suggestions.

Set boundaries at home

Dr. Stutman says when a child is refusing to go to school, it’s natural to want to make them feel comfortable at home, but it’s important to set boundaries so that home doesn’t become a tempting escape. They have to remember that it’s not a free day off where they can just lie in bed, watch TV, or play video games all day. While being at home might feel safer to them, you want to create an environment that encourages progress. One approach is to find alternative productive activities like visiting the library, enrolling your child in an interim class, or even attending therapy sessions.

She explains, “Some of the kids I've worked with have come to therapy, and they've done an inpatient, intensive outpatient, or seen a therapist every day while they're not in school. Another option is to get them enrolled in some sort of intermediate kind of class, an interim class, but we really don't want to let them just have free rein of the house because that's very tempting. I mean, even if I had free rein, I'd want to stay home.”

Dr. Stutman acknowledges that finding balance can be tricky. You want to be empathetic to your child’s feelings but also guide them toward getting back into a routine. One way to do this is by setting clear, small goals each day.

Go at the child’s pace

As Shove puts it, children need to feel calm and secure before they’re ready to learn. If a child is feeling anxious, unsafe, or overwhelmed, simply putting them in a classroom isn’t going to help — in fact, it could make things worse.

This isn’t about rushing kids back to school, it’s about creating an environment where they feel secure and supported. Shove shares a wonderful example of how this can look in practice. She worked with a student who was so anxious about school that they wouldn’t even get in the car, terrified that they might be taken to campus. The school quickly realized that pushing this student to return wasn’t the answer. Instead, they needed to start by building a sense of safety. They started by allowing in-home instruction — the school arranged for a teacher to come to the student’s home for a few hours each day. This allowed the student to continue learning in a familiar, low-pressure environment. Next, they brought a counselor to the student’s home, allowing the student a safe space to express their fears and begin working through their anxiety. Finally, the school provided wraparound counseling services for the student’s parents, which was key in helping them support their child as the child’s fears about returning to school gradually eased.

After the student became more comfortable with in-home learning and counseling, they moved on to the next steps, but very gradually. A behavior therapist started stopping by the house just to say hello, arriving in a school vehicle. The student got used to seeing the vehicle, then sitting in it, and eventually taking short trips to the school — without any pressure to get out or stay at school. This process took almost a full school year, but it worked because the school and parents focused on making the student feel safe and supported at each stage. It wasn’t about forcing them back into the classroom, it was about slowly building their comfort and confidence over time.

Discuss possible big changes with them

If your child needs a higher level of intervention, you might wonder how to talk to them about it. Talking to your child about big changes, such as moving to a different school or starting more therapy, can be challenging, but honesty is really important. Dr. Stutman suggests being open with your child about why you’re considering these changes. You can emphasize that it’s not about punishment or making things harder for them, but about finding what will help them feel better and succeed. “We want to explain the reasons why this would be best for them, why they might need more therapy, how this is really like any [illness]. If there was a sickness like diabetes, we would treat our children with the right amount of doctor's visits, and their mental health is just as important. Just because we can't see it or see it on a lab test doesn't mean that we don't, as parents, have to protect and take care of our kids in that way.”

Shove emphasizes that we have the right to observe our children in the classroom. Since schools are public spaces, there is no expectation of privacy for teachers and students. However, schools might set guidelines to ensure that visits are non-disruptive. For instance, they may require you to schedule visits in advance, limit the observation time, or have a staff member, like a principal or psychologist, accompany you. These guidelines are meant to keep the environment safe and organized, not to keep you out. For more information on parent observation, and what to do if a school is barring you from visiting your child’s classroom, read this article from Wrightslaw.

Volunteering is another great way to get involved. Schools often appreciate parent volunteers since they can use the extra help. Shove says volunteering gives you a chance to see the school environment firsthand, understand how things operate, and build connections with teachers and staff.

And in some cases, you can sit in during your child’s therapy sessions. For services like speech therapy, occupational therapy, or physical therapy, it can be helpful to observe and learn the techniques used with your child. This way, you can practice these strategies at home, providing support beyond the school setting. Shove suggests adding “parent consultation minutes” to the IEP, such as a brief monthly session where the therapist shows you how to use certain techniques with our child.

However, for counseling or emotional support therapy, it makes sense that having parents in the room may not always be best. Kids need a safe space to express their thoughts and feelings, and they might hold back if a parent is present. In these cases, it’s generally better to let the therapist work one-on-one with your child while keeping you informed through other means. And after a certain age, it is up to the student.

Ask for help from other parents, support groups, and the school

Whether that means working with a therapist, collaborating with the school, or connecting with other parents, reaching out is a sign that you’re doing what’s best for your child. This might involve working with the school to set up a plan — maybe starting with shorter visits to the classroom or identifying safe spaces for your child to go when they feel overwhelmed. Or it could mean finding a therapist who can help your child manage their anxiety. Obviously, there will be tough moments where it feels like nothing is working, and that’s okay. Asking for support and trying new strategies doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re actively trying to find what works for your child.

Shove recommends starting with local family empowerment centers or family resource centers for guidance on navigating special education. National organizations for specific disabilities offer resources tailored to specific needs.

You can also request parent training as part of your child’s IEP if you need additional strategies or tools. Establishing regular communication with the school, like weekly check-ins or emails, can help keep you updated on your child’s progress. Undivided can be a resource for helping you navigate your child’s progress, journey, communicating with teachers, and everything else.

Don’t be too hard on yourself

If you’re feeling guilty or worried because your child isn’t going to school every day, you’re definitely not alone. Dr. Stutman and Marsh hear this all the time from parents and want you to know that struggling with school refusal doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, it’s far more common than you might think, especially when anxiety is involved. Marsh points out that many parents feel stuck because they don’t have a clear plan. And that feeling of being lost is totally understandable. Not knowing exactly what to do can make you feel like you’re failing, but that’s not true at all!

In this clip, Marsh assures us that the feelings you may be having about your child’s school refusal are very common.

It’s completely natural to wonder if this is your new normal when it feels like there’s no end in sight. But guess what? Marsh says not to worry. Even if it feels rough right now, school refusal doesn’t last forever — and there’s definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Marsh comments, “There's definite ways to fix it. There's definite ways to come back from it … for students as well. A lot of students feel like once they're in this cycle of refusing and being anxious, not being able to go, they can never get themselves back. There are definite ways to get back and to get back to normal functioning.”

At the end of the day, school refusal doesn’t have to be your family’s new normal. With the right approach, support, and patience, things can improve. You’ve got this — and so does your child!