If you’ve ever heard a teacher say, “We’re not seeing that at school,” you might already be seeing masking in action. Sometimes, the kids who seem “fine” at school are actually working the hardest just to get through the day. They’re holding it together, following expectations, and blending in — but underneath that, they may be overwhelmed, exhausted, or struggling in ways that aren’t obvious in the classroom. That can make it harder to get the right supports in place because if a child doesn’t “look” like they’re struggling, their needs can be missed.
For more information on how masking can impact what schools see (and don’t see), and what supports can help ensure your child’s needs are recognized, we spoke to Dena Gassner, PhD, senior research scientist at the A.J. Drexel Autism Institute at Drexel University; Lauren Kenworthy, PhD, division chief of neuropsychology, director of the Center for Autism Spectrum Disorders, and pediatric neuropsychologist at Children’s National; Theresa Kidd, PhD,, clinical psychologist and clinical director of the Kidd Clinic; Devon Price, PhD, social psychologist, clinical professor at Loyola University Chicago, and author of Unmasking Autism and Unmasking for Life; and Mary Peitso and Lisa Carey, non-attorney special education advocates.
As we share in our article What Is Masking?, masking can make it harder for professionals to see what’s really going on during an evaluation and can sometimes delay or complicate an autism diagnosis. While assessments are improving, this is still a common challenge for many families. But what happens when it comes to IEPs?
Carey explains that schools aren’t looking for a medical diagnosis — they’re determining educational eligibility. That means they’re asking one main question: is the child’s disability impacting them at school? If a child is masking well enough that those challenges aren’t obvious, it can make qualifying for services much harder.
As Carey puts it, “If the child doesn’t show that they’re being affected at school by the disability, then they will have a hard time becoming eligible for an IEP.” So with autism IEP eligibility assessments, besides the education aspect, Carey tells us that schools are also “looking at whether a child’s verbal and nonverbal communication and social interaction are significantly affected. That's the main thing that they're looking for. And they may see resistance to environmental changes or changes in routines, and/or engagement in repetitive activities and stereotyped movement — that's like stimming — and unusual responses to sensory experiences. If a student is able to verbally communicate effectively and functionally, meaning they're able to get their needs and wants met, they're able to answer questions to the teacher and stuff — that's what [the school] is looking at. And social interaction as well — if a student can communicate their needs, answer questions, and appear to interact socially, even if it takes a lot of effort — the school may not see a problem.”
The tricky part is that masking can hide those struggles, at least at first. “Some people with autism can be really good at masking and social interaction, but it doesn’t hold up long term,” Carey explains. Ideally, a thorough evaluation will start to reveal those underlying challenges, like difficulty connecting with peers or subtle social struggles. But in reality, those “cracks” aren’t always easy for schools to spot, especially when a child is doing everything they can to keep them hidden.
One of the hardest parts of masking is that schools may genuinely not see any concerns. Dr. Kidd explains that she’s seen many evaluations where teachers report no issues at all — even when a child is clearly struggling outside of school.
That’s why she encourages parents to start gathering their own data. Pay attention to patterns. Does your child struggle more on certain days, after specific classes, or with particular teachers or activities? Those patterns can help pinpoint what’s actually hard during the school day, especially when it’s not obvious in the classroom.
She also notes that sharing what you’re seeing can help bridge that gap. While it can feel uncomfortable, even something like documenting or showing examples of what happens after school can give teachers a clearer picture of your child’s experience.
If you’re still not being heard, bringing in a professional can make a big difference. Specialists like psychologists, speech-language pathologists, or occupational therapists can help uncover what’s difficult for your child and communicate that to the school in a way that often carries more weight. In this clip, Dr. Kidd explains how to track patterns, uncover what’s really happening during the school day, and work with professionals to make sure your child’s needs are understood and supported.
Peitso shares that even when parents try to show what’s happening at home, it can be dismissed. “I’ve had some parents film their child having meltdowns after school and showing that to the school, and then [the school] still comes back with, ‘Well, it’s not happening at school, so we can’t do anything about it.’”
One way to bridge that gap is bringing in outside data. “I sometimes get IEEs, independent evaluations, to show the level of anxiety and masking that the student is doing during the school day,” she explains. Having a neutral third party can make a big difference. “Then we have data saying, ‘Yes, the student needs counseling services or needs more breaks in their day,’” which can help get those supports written into the IEP.
One place masking can quietly show up at school is in IEP goals. Some goals are written in a way that pushes kids to act more “typical,” instead of actually supporting their needs. You might see goals around making eye contact, using a certain tone of voice, or initiating conversations in a very specific way. Many of these include vague language like “appropriately respond” or “appropriately acknowledge others” — without considering context, like whether a child feels safe or is being teased.
The concern isn’t just that these goals are unrealistic. It’s that they can teach kids to override their own instincts and comfort just to meet social expectations — even in situations where they shouldn’t have to. Over time, that can make kids more vulnerable to things like bullying, people-pleasing, or ignoring their own boundaries.
As Peitso explains, it’s important to pause and ask what the goal is really targeting. “Any goals that have a directive for the student to do something that is just a social norm, that’s something to look out for.”
She points out that studies show forcing people with autism to make eye contact actually increases anxiety for them, “and it's an inhumane practice, and it doesn't serve any real purpose other than to make neurotypical people feel like they’re being heard,” even though communication can happen without it. She suggests parents ask the question: is it really best for my child?
But things are changing as schools are more and more informed. Carey tells us that she doesn’t see many IEP goals about eye contact anymore because people are starting to recognize that for some people with autism, that's painful and very difficult. In her point of view, “The goal should more be around pragmatics, such as having a back and forth conversation, but they shouldn't be about changing the person. . . . We don't need to worry about eye contact as much. A lot of times, we can teach kids to look at the eyebrows. . . . I don't like goals that are teaching a child to not be autistic. I push back on those because we're not going to change their neurological type, and we're just teaching them to mask when we do that.”
That is the heart of the issue. There is a big difference between helping a child build communication skills and asking them to hide autistic traits to make other people more comfortable. Goals should support access and connection, not push a child to seem less autistic.
For parents, that means it is worth slowing down when you see goals with words like appropriate, acknowledge, respond, initiate, or maintain, and asking what the goal is really asking your child to do. Is it helping your child communicate in a meaningful way, or is it teaching them to override their instincts and perform social norms that may increase anxiety or make them more vulnerable to teasing, manipulation, or bullying? If professionals are not well-versed in autism, goals like these can slip into an IEP without anyone realizing how much they encourage masking. Parents can push back, ask questions, and advocate for goals that build real skills without asking a child to hide who they are. Parents can reach out to the school and advocate for staff training on the latest research in autism, including the best methods for supporting kids with autism.
Before we jump into supports, Dr. Kenworthy reminds us that the most important first step is understanding your child. School environments are designed around what works for most kids — so when a child is neurodivergent, there’s often a mismatch between what they need and what the environment expects.
That mismatch doesn’t mean something is wrong with your child. It means we need to look more closely at how they process the world and where things aren’t lining up — whether that’s sensory overload, social expectations, or how information is presented. Once we understand that, we can put the right supports in place instead of expecting the child to just push through. In this clip, Dr. Kenworthy explains why understanding your child’s unique needs is the first step — and how identifying those mismatches can lead to more meaningful supports at school.
Talk to your child
When it comes to school supports, Carey says there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. “It’s very individualized. It’s really going to depend on the individual kid.” That’s why she encourages parents to start with the most important source of information: your child. “To the degree it’s possible, ask your own kid, in whatever way that child communicates, and whatever language you need to use.” What that looks like will vary by age, but the goal is the same — understand what school actually feels like for them. She acknowledges that kids won’t always give a perfect or practical answer, but it’s a great way to start those conversations. “I would find out from the student themselves, what could the adults do to make them feel more comfortable at school? And sometimes our kids are going to say, ‘Don’t send me to school,’ which is, of course, not an option, but it's a starting point to open a conversation. “
With a little guidance, kids can often share really meaningful insights. You may find that they say it's too loud at school and they need a way or a safe place to get away from it once in a while, which is doable. You can talk to the school about adding that support to their IEP. In these conversations, it can help to be honest while still leaving room for your child’s voice. Carey suggests reframing the conversation in a way that feels more manageable: if school is a given, what can we change to make it easier? What things can we do to make it less miserable for you? From there, you can work together to figure out what would make the day easier for them, using language that fits their age and communication style.
When a child is masking, the goal isn’t to push them to “hold it together” better. It’s to give them ways to regulate, decompress, and feel safe enough to be themselves throughout the day.
Peitso highlights how important it is to build in supports that help kids manage their sensory and emotional needs, especially for kids who are masking, since they may be holding all of that in during the school day, then collapsing when they get home.
“A calming room or calming space, taking breaks, whether that's inside the classroom or outside the classroom, the use of fidgets and chewing gum,” are all simple supports that can make a big difference. Just as important is the classroom culture itself. Sharing with the class that “we have friends who don't respond to things typically, and that's okay,” she explains, emphasizing the role of inclusion and making sure kids aren’t singled out or excluded for being different.
Carey adds that one of the most important supports is having a designated safe space at school. “Making sure the kid has a safe place they can go on campus, whether that's the counseling office or quiet rooms or sensory rooms,” can give kids a place to decompress when things feel overwhelming. She notes that these spaces should be used as support, not punishment, and should always feel safe and accessible.
Carey also points out that emotional support matters just as much as physical space. “For kids that are masking, having in their IEP a counseling service is going to be important. Having someone at school that they can go and talk to, whether that’s a counselor or school psychologist, depending on their developmental level.
Peitso tells us that often, the biggest thing we can do is try to reduce their anxiety. “If you can reduce anxiety at school, whatever is causing it — is it social situations? Is it maintaining friendships? — And usually it's social things that increase it because they do perceive the world differently.”
One of the biggest concerns parents have is: If we’re teaching social skills, or have social skills goals, are we teaching our kids to mask? Carey explains that it really depends on how those skills are taught. “It depends on what area you’re working on. If you’re working on having a back-and-forth conversation,” there are ways to support kids without asking them to change who they are.
She encourages parents to think about building communication tools, not compliance. “I almost would say speak to a speech therapist to get general ideas,” because approaches can vary depending on how a child processes language.
For some kids, that might include things like scripts or even gestalts — “chunks” of language or longer phrases that are personal and carry some meaning. Carey explains that this can help by giving kids language they can use in the moment. “It’s a way where we teach them kind of whole phrases to give them a response when they don’t know what to say.” For example, if a peer asks what they want to play, a child might practice saying something like, “I like to play with Legos,” so they’re not left without a response. The goal isn’t to limit how they communicate, but to support them when they need more time to process. “It helps them know what to do in that moment when they may not have a response ready because they need to think about it.” And importantly, this isn’t about scripting or restricting communication. “It doesn’t mean that they don’t use anything but those phrases, quite the contrary.” The goal is to help kids build more functional language over time, in a way that feels supportive — not like they have to hide who they are.
Masking can also hide another big need: support with social understanding. Peitso points out that many kids — especially girls — are missing important goals in this area. “I see especially with girls, there’s not a lot of pragmatic language goals in the IEPs, and there really needs to be so that they can understand those subtle social nuances. And they're different for girls than they are for boys,” she explains. What this means is that these students can carry conversations, follow along, and seem to fit in, but underneath that, they may be working really hard to figure out things that don’t come naturally, like reading social cues, understanding tone, or navigating friendships. That’s where pragmatic language comes in. It’s not about whether a child can talk, it's about whether they understand the unspoken rules of communication.
Without those supports, kids may be expected to navigate complex social situations on their own. “It does them a big disservice to not give them that social language because it eventually increases their anxiety, and then you end up with school avoidance.”
The key is not removing social goals, but reframing them. “It’s really important to give them social goals still, but goals so that they can understand the social situations at their grade levels and age levels,” since those expectations change as they move from elementary to middle school to high school.
And if a school says your child doesn’t need support because “they can talk just fine,” that’s often missing the point. Social communication is more than speech — and it’s something a speech-language pathologist should be assessing and supporting.
When it comes to helping kids connect at school, Dr. Kidd encourages parents and schools to get creative — especially for kids who are masking, since they may not naturally find or access safe social connections on their own. She shares an example of a school using peer circles — small, supported groups where a child meets regularly with a few carefully chosen classmates. These aren’t random groups. “They choose children that they think will be good role models for the young person and be empathetic, supportive, and understanding.”
In one case she shares, a student met weekly with the same small group of girls over several years, guided by an inclusion teacher. “They’ll just talk about a range of different topics,” sometimes bringing up situations the student is struggling with so they can be gently normalized. These kinds of supports can also grow out of a child’s interests. Dr. Kidd describes how an art therapist led a small arts and crafts group for students dealing with anxiety, creating another way for kids to connect in a setting that felt comfortable and natural.
Over time, these experiences can build real relationships. “She’s got these anchors of safety within the school,” Dr. Kidd explains — peers who understand her and who she can reliably connect with. And those benefits go both ways. The other students gain a deeper understanding that “not everybody communicates in the same way or thinks in the same way,” which can shape how they interact with others long term.
And sometimes, one of the most powerful supports isn’t just about your child — it’s about helping the people around them understand. You can create the opportunity for your child (or yourself, depending on what your child wants) to address their classmates. As Peitso tells us, “Explain to the entire class that everybody is different and it's okay to be different, and that people just deal with things differently. And when they see someone you know displaying behaviors that aren't typical, if they're not bothering anybody, then what's the harm in doing the behavior?”
Dr. Kidd also encourages parents to think more flexibly about friendships. Kids don’t always connect best with peers their exact age. “It’s okay to be flexible around ages,” she says, especially if a child feels more comfortable with slightly older or younger peers who share similar interests or communication styles.
The takeaway: social support doesn’t have to look one way. With a little creativity, schools and families can build spaces where kids feel understood, included, and genuinely connected.
Even when you know what your child needs, getting those supports in place at school isn’t always straightforward. Dr. Price acknowledges that sometimes advocacy means pushing back, asking for changes, and even being “the difficult parent” — especially when something at school isn’t working for your child. As parents, we can think creatively, gather support from professionals, and not default to compliance just to keep the peace. The goal isn’t to fit your child into the system, it’s to make sure the system works for your child.
In this clip, Dr. Price talks about what it really looks like to advocate for your child at school — from pushing for accommodations and flexibility to thinking outside the box and focusing on what truly matters for your child’s well-being.
Dr. Gassner also acknowledges that advocacy can sometimes mean being very visible and persistent. In one case, after finding research showing her child’s classroom environment was harmful, she took it directly to the school community. “I went to the PTA meeting and handed that out as people were trying to park.” At times, she made major decisions to protect her child, including using medical homebound placement when the school environment wasn’t safe or appropriate.
“That’s a lot for families to take on, and it really shouldn’t have to take that kind of intensity for your child to be happy and well adjusted at school,” she says. But until systems change, she’s clear about what often happens: “It’s going to be the squeaky wheel that gets the most attention.” Her takeaway for parents is to do what you can to get support early — whether that’s advocates, nonprofits, or outside professionals — so you’re not carrying the full weight of this alone from the start.
Dr. Gassner is very honest about this reality. “It’s unfair because it shouldn’t be the parents’ responsibility to do this, but it’s education,” she says. In her own experience, that meant going beyond typical communication and actively bringing in research. “I started sharing journal articles. I activated the legal right to have my son’s educators get more training so they were more knowledgeable.”
Over time, she realized something many parents encounter: schools don’t always respond the same way to parents as they do to outside professionals. “It took me several bad experiences to figure out that they didn’t want to hear it from mom, they wanted me to just be mom.” That’s when her approach shifted. “Hire the best professional advocate you can find, someone affiliated with the ARC or the Autism Society that is really, really knowledgeable.”
Her reasoning is practical. Parents are already juggling so much. “You have work to do at home, personal hygiene skills that may take years to master, sensory adjustments to make in your house, outside therapeutic experiences that you have to schedule and juggle, so you can’t possibly learn enough fast enough to get your child comprehensively addressed at school in the beginning.”
Her advice: get help early if you can, get the IEP in place, then use more stable periods to build your own knowledge and refine the IEP over time.
For more on this topic, head to our articles What Is Masking? and What is After-School Restraint Collapse?
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