Tips for Building Better Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to control emotions and impulsive behavior. While for many kids these skills develop with growth and time, many others need strategies and support to learn them.

Below, we’ll discuss three specific approaches to helping our kids build better self-regulation and manage behaviors by: finding ways to calm themselves when they get upset; learning to deal with feelings of frustration without losing their cool; and looking for ways to problem-solve when confronted with an upsetting situation.

As parents, we tend to avoid the situations that we know will trigger our children’s behaviors — for good reason — but according to clinicians interviewed by the Child Mind Institute, we can coach our kids through these situations by providing them with the tools to develop the appropriate emotionally regulated responses. Using a process known as “scaffolding,” parents can encourage the desired behavior that is wanted until the child is able to handle it on their own.

For instance, if getting off video games is difficult, “scaffolding” could involve transitioning away from playing the game. Parents can start by having their child play a less-preferred game at first for a short period of time (two to three minutes) so it's not as difficult to stop the first few times. Children can earn points for a preferred activity or item each time they do it, and build up the minutes (and preferred games) from there.

Start with smaller, doable tasks and build up

According to clinical psychologist Matthew Rouse, PhD, consistency and beginning with smaller tasks can help both parents and children feel successful. We can break down the task, transition, or activity that causes the child to become dysregulated into smaller steps to make it more attainable and build confidence.

Rouse uses brushing teeth as an example: a parent can start by having the child only put the toothpaste on the brush and give positive input and rewards when the child follows through. Once the child has practiced a few times, add the next step.

Take a practice run

Another way to scaffold is by doing “dry runs.” If going to a store or doctor's office causes your child to have behaviors, first practice with short visits (when a parent does not need to actually shop or the child does not have an actual appointment). Praise and reward your child; the next time, maybe it's walking the aisle while keeping hands to themselves and or sitting in the waiting room of the doctor/dentist.

Give rewards for small successes

Dr. Rouse reminds us to motivate and encourage our children to take these small steps by praising them with positive verbal feedback and/or rewarding them with points earned toward preferred activities and/or items.

Scott Bezsylko, another expert interviewed by Child Mind and the executive director of the Winston Preparatory School for children with learning differences, encourages parents to resist responding emotionally to a child’s outburst but instead to try and respond calmly. First, help them acknowledge “what went wrong, and why, and how they can fix it next time.”

He also suggests making space for children to self-reflect. “We need to slow down and model self-reflection and self-awareness and self-regulation for our kids,” he says, “but it’s also helpful and good for us, too.” Mindfulness and mediation can also be positive building blocks to help children build emotional regulation skills.

Use familiar ways to connect and communicate

How can we help a child identify or communicate that they’re confused, sad, scared, or overwhelmed if they don’t communicate their feelings verbally or process emotions in the same way? As parents of kids with communication challenges know, a child’s inability to express an emotion doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing it.

Dr. Biel says the key is to lean into the communication strategies you already use with your child, rather than trying to create an entirely new system for moments of stress. “If part of the way that you communicate with a child who’s [nonspeaking] is through narrative, stay with it,” he says. “If it’s through music, if it’s more physical, if it’s through all kinds of nonverbal communications, there’s no question that you all are going to be picking up on cues from your kids.”

Parents and caregivers often become highly attuned to their child’s individual cues — noticing when they seem “off” or stressed even when the child can’t tell them directly. Dr. Biel recommends talking with the people who know your child best, including therapists, teachers, and other caregivers, to identify the strategies and routines that help them feel safe and regulated and "come back out of danger mode."

And there’s another important piece: your own regulation matters, too. “The more we’re able to regulate ourselves and to come into actions and interactions with our kids relatively balanced, relatively equilibrated, the better those interactions are going to go,” Dr. Biel says.

The goal isn’t to develop an entirely new way of communicating during a stressful moment. Instead, use the familiar ways you and your child already connect to communicate something equally important: we’re okay. We’re still connected. I’m still here with you.

The Zones of Regulation

R. Scott Akins, DO, chief of developmental and behavioral pediatrics and director of clinical programs at the UC Davis MIND Institute, shares a model parents can practice to help kids regulate during temper tantrums or through other behavior challenges when a child is dysregulated called "The Zones of Regulation." This is a "research-based framework that builds emotional regulation and behavioral skills for life. Grounded in cognitive behavioral science, it gives individuals and communities a common language for navigating emotions—and the practical strategies to do it well."

In an article published by the Child Mind Institute, “Why Do Kids Have Tantrums and Meltdowns?,” mental health professionals agree that most children who tend toward emotional outbursts could benefit from building the skills needed for impulse control so that they’re prepared when frustration, anxiety, and anger strike.

There are a variety of activities parents can try with their children to build better impulse control. Here are a few to try:

Keep kids active

One study by the University of Kansas found that “regular exercise alters the workings of portions of the brain involved in higher-level thinking and decision-making, which, in turn, play important roles in impulse control.” Giving children the opportunity to participate in sports, recess, dancing, and even exercising in the living room can help teach impulse control.

Play memory games

Scholastic has an interesting article showing how memory games can actually help children with impulse control. They referenced research from Stanford University) and the Netherlands’ Maastricht University “that linked improved impulse control to short-term memory training” and found that “enhanced memory lightens the ‘cognitive load’ of the frontal cortex, allowing it to manage impulsivity more successfully.”

Play control-building games

On a recent podcast from Tilt Parenting, Angela Pruess shares some helpful resources to help parents engage their children in control-building games — which can be a great starting point for teaching mental self-control.

Double down on creative play

In a 2008 National Public Radio story, researchers reported that children today do not learn to self-regulate as well because they spend most of their time in adult-directed activities. They point out that free play with siblings and friends can be when children learn “impulse control, but without that time, children don't develop their executive function skills.” Parents can help by making time in a child’s daily schedule for free play where they can make up “stories and songs, draft playmates as characters and turn sticks into magic wands.” Check out more ideas for helping kids socialize and build friendships with peers in this article.

Try music therapy

Music therapy can support kids in so many areas, from developing fine and gross motor skills to building joint attention, social skills, and self-esteem. It can also help reduce stress and support emotional regulation. Because music engages multiple senses at once, it can offer opportunities to work on several skills at the same time — and because it’s fun, kids may be more motivated to participate.

For example, strumming a guitar or tapping a drum along with a therapist can help build motor planning, listening, and attention skills while also supporting regulation. Writing or playing a silly song can give a child a creative way to work through something that’s causing anxiety or stress. Simply listening to music may help decrease agitation and regulate emotions, while pairing music with movement or dance can support range of motion, imitation, and self-regulation. Learn more about music therapy in our article here.

Try art projects

Art can be a powerful tool for helping kids manage big emotions. Research has found that children’s stress levels can decrease significantly after just 45 minutes of creating art. Making art can support short-term well-being, reduce stress and anxiety, and boost positive emotions.

Katie Krcal, OTR/L, MSOT, licensed pediatric occupational therapist, tells us that art can give kids a way to work through those feelings. If your child is buzzing with energy or feeling overwhelmed, setting them up with an easel, some clay, or another creative activity can help them slow down and focus. As they become absorbed in the process, they may enter a “flow state” — a state of deep concentration that can help quiet the mind and promote a sense of calm.

Looking for some fun art projects to help with emotional regulation? Check out this video clip featuring Krcal for some awesome ideas! For more information about art, check out our article: Art in Therapy.

Dr. Matthew Biel, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at Georgetown University Medical Center, won our hearts back in April when he sat down for a live chat with Undivided. With his trademark warmth and honesty, he shared with us how to help our kids through these moments — what he calls “flooding.”

Flooding — otherwise known as a meltdown — often occurs when kids feel unsure of what is expected of them, or when they feel they aren’t up to a particular task. Here are some pointers on navigating these tidal waves when they occur:

Plan ahead

As part of getting each day going, consider creating a schedule or review of “here’s what today looks like.” This can help your child get their head around what’s going to be expected of them. Planning ahead might also help both you and your child predict what and when the tough moments might be — for example, the point at which they need to get off of screens, or the time when they have to do a chore or activity that they don’t like. If you can flag a potential problem area, you can plant the seed for using the scripts.

Real-life example: “I know getting off-screen is tough. That could be a time when you feel stuck. What do you think would help you get unstuck? Deciding what movie we’re going to watch tonight? Going outside on your scooter?"

Conduct a post-mortem

In a calm moment, after an episode is well behind everyone, talk with your child about what happened and why.

Real-life example: “Hey, we all got really stuck earlier. I was making lunch, and you seemed to get kind of upset or angry, and then I didn’t know how to help you. I felt stuck. Did you feel stuck? Do you remember what made you upset? What could I have done that would have helped? What would help you to get unstuck? Oh, you were hoping we could go out for lunch? I didn’t realize that. So that was your plan A. If you have a plan A, will you tell me so that I know what it is? Sometimes we will be able to do plan A, but sometimes we may want to have a plan B.”

Be present

If your child starts flooding, even if it feels like nothing you do “works” (and indeed, you most often will just need to let things run their course), remember that your goal here is not to immediately end the episode. Instead, just try to “be in it” with your child. Don’t talk nonstop — they won’t be listening — but remember that silence will feel like condemnation. Just try to keep a neutral expression, let your child know that you see that they’re upset (or whatever word they use), and tell them that you’re here and you’ll help them. Try to be neutral, repeat yourself a lot, hold your ground, don’t try to fix it or end it or throw up your hands and stomp out. Just hold the center. The goal is to get through the episode.

Real-life example: “I hear you...you’re really angry. I hear you...okay...let’s figure this out...I hear you...”

“Then, when your child starts to settle down,” says Dr. Biel, “you can go out into the garden and scream into a hydrangea bush.”