When we hear the word “consent,” we usually think of sex. But consent, in the broadest sense, simply means giving your agreement or permission. We all have a right to give or withhold consent whenever we are asked to do or participate in any activity, especially those that involve our personal and bodily autonomy.
Unfortunately, because of their disabilities, our kids are often in situations where their right to consent in everyday interactions is ignored. Worse, people might assume they don’t have the ability to consent. Over time, being treated this way can erode our kids’ sense that their decisions — and their bodies — are their own. And that can have dangerous consequences.
The terrible truth is that kids and adults with disabilities have shockingly high rates of abuse. They are at far higher risk for abuse than their peers, and the risk does not diminish as they age.
Our kids need to learn that they have a right to consent in all interactions, not only to protect them from perpetrators, but also because knowing that they have this right can help them lead more self-determined and fulfilling lives.
For advice on teaching this sensitive but critical topic to kids of all ages and developmental abilities, we spoke with two experts who are passionate about consent education: Erika Fundelius, PhD, assistant professor at the University of British Columbia; and Amy Machado, MA, BCBA, a board-certified behavioral analyst and owner and CEO of the SEEDS Therapy Center in San Diego. Dr. Fundelius has 25 years of experience as an educator, and her research interests include self-determination and its long-term effects on students with visual impairments, and consent in everyday interactions for people with disabilities. Machado has 25 years of experience as a clinician and educator, and for the last six years has been focused on teaching social and sexual education to young people with disabilities.
In legal terms, only adults can provide “consent.” Children cannot legally consent to certain activities that are reserved for adults, such as sexual activities. They also cannot legally make decisions that are reserved for adults to make, such as those related to their medical care or education; these decisions must be made by their parents or legal guardians. Note that there are privacy laws that come into effect in California at age 12, which you can read more about in this article. “Assent” is the term used for decisions that children can legally make. For example, a child with a disease may give their assent, or permission, to participate in a research study of their condition; but their parents must also provide consent on their behalf.
Throughout this article, we use the term consent not in the legal sense but in the broader, more colloquial sense to refer to agreement or permission.
Dr. Fundelius explains, “It’s really voluntarily giving permission to whatever act is in front of us.” We give our consent when we welcome a hug, agree to have our credit report pulled, or allow a dentist to look inside our mouth. If any of these things were done without our permission, it would feel like a violation.
Sexual consent means agreeing to take part in a sexual activity. Sexual consent has specific features — first and foremost that all participants must be over the legal age of consent, which in California is 18. It also requires that all participants:
These characteristics — understanding what we’re agreeing to, freely choosing, being able to communicate our choice, and being able to change our mind or withdraw consent at any time — apply to our right to consent in other interactions, too, not just sex. For example, Dr. Fundelius explains that in all interpersonal interactions, consent should be an ongoing process of communication between people, rather than a one-time agreement. Consent involves providing “consistent opportunities for communication between two people to agree in one act, whatever that is.”
What does this look like in everyday life with our kids? For one thing, Dr. Fundelius says that the adults in a child’s life — parents and caregivers, educators, and therapists — should be consistently asking permission before touching or providing personal care and must ensure the child has opportunities to communicate their agreement or disagreement. While this might seem cumbersome at first, it is an important habit to build and a simple way to model consent for our kids.
While personal autonomy is our right to make choices for our lives, bodily autonomy is specifically about the choices we make regarding our body..
Bodily autonomy often comes up in the context of reproductive rights, but having bodily autonomy means that we have agency over our body in all situations. Since COVID, for example, some people refuse handshakes in favor of fist bumps or elbow bumps, even though this goes against long-standing social norms.
Machado explains, “Essentially, bodily autonomy is the fundamental right to make decisions about your own body.” In practical terms, she says, that means you’re “able to decide who can touch you and come into your personal space and when and how and why without the threat of coercion or violence. [It’s] being able to make those decisions and have that agency over your own body.”
Bodily autonomy is an important thing for all children to learn. If a child doesn’t know that they have a right to determine what happens to their body, they are vulnerable to abuse by perpetrators who could exploit this lack of knowledge. Children who understand that they have bodily autonomy are less likely to be abused — and more likely to recognize and report abuse if it happens.
Body autonomy includes assistive devices
Dr. Fundelius says that for people with disabilities, bodily autonomy means respecting not only every part of their body, but also their mobility devices and other assistive devices, which can be like extension of their body. It’s important to respect a person’s personal space and autonomy when it comes to their devices. For example, touching a person’s wheelchair without permission can feel like a violation.
To understand that we have bodily autonomy, we have to understand where our body starts and ends. This might seem simple to most of us, but for children with challenges of proprioception — or the body’s ability to sense its position and movement in space — which are common in autism and other developmental disabilities, it might be anything but simple. A child with proprioceptive challenges may need extra support to learn to perceive and interpret touch. If children don’t understand this, they might not realize that if someone touches them in an uninvited way, they are being violated, and that any touch that isn’t invited is a trespass, regardless of who is doing the touching. For more about proprioception and sensory challenges, head over to our articles Sensory Processing Disorder and Sensory Diets and What is Occupational Therapy for Kids? — OT 101.
Kids with disabilities face unique circumstances and challenges that can make learning about consent harder.
Need for hands-on assistance
Depending on what their disability is, our children might frequently be in situations where they are being touched by adults, and this might be true throughout their lives. They might require physical and occupational therapies, which can involve the therapist touching their body or providing hand-over-hand assistance. They might have mobility devices that are like extensions of their body, or they might need hands-on assistance with activities of daily living, such as toileting or dressing. Being frequently touched by many adults can become normalized — especially if they have rarely or never been asked for their consent.
“It’s important for all the adults in the room to make sure that we are checking in with those children,” says Machado, “making sure that child is comfortable with us being in their personal space and providing assistive care for daily living skills, hygiene or the multitude of tasks that caregivers perform on a daily basis."
Children learn far more through our actions than our words. When children are repeatedly touched and handled without anyone asking their permission, they learn that their consent doesn’t matter. The result, says Machado, is that “we're essentially desensitizing children and teaching them to tolerate constant physical contact from adults, which can be problematic."
Gaps in sex education and social-emotional learning
Our kids also have consistent education gaps compared to their nondisabled peers when it comes to the topics of consent and bodily autonomy. Many are not taught about boundaries, relationships, and consent. Educators and therapists often assume they cannot understand these concepts.
“In my experience, most children with disabilities are not taught about consent or shown how to consent or what the word means,” says Machado. “Parents want to teach their children and keep them safe, and therapists want to do the best that they can to help their clients, but the lack of education on those social boundaries, personal space, and consent is prevalent across all ages and demographics, and we’re seeing abuse rates very high because we’re not educating these students.”
Many schools do not provide an adapted curriculum for sex education and social skills. Machado notes that children with disabilities are often excluded from comprehensive sex education. “It’s labeled sex education, but we don’t start with sex, right? We’re talking about social-emotional [learning] when they’re young, and then we build on that.” Often, however, the curriculum is not adapted for the learning needs or styles of children with disabilities, so parents opt out. As a result, “children with disabilities are left out of that conversation.” They essentially “lose all of that education,” and once they reach teenage years or adulthood, the gap is suddenly huge and daunting. For more information on awareness and boundaries, head to our articles Preparing for Puberty and Talking to Kids About Personal Safety.
Communication barriers
Communication barriers also pose a challenge in teaching our kids about consent. Often we think of consent as a verbal act. Children who do not speak, have limited speech, or communicate primarily in other ways are sometimes assumed to be incapable of communicating their preferences. This is not only false but dangerous. All children, regardless of how they communicate, deserve the chance to participate in decisions about their own body.
There are various ways to seek consent from a child who is nonspeaking or communicates in ways other than speech. For example, structured choices can be offered using multi-modal communication (e.g. pictures, AAC, pointing) strategies. It’s the responsibility of parents, therapists, educators, and other adults who work with the child to work diligently to find ways that work to seek the child’s consent.
For more information and tools on communication, head to our articles Top Communication Tools, Apps, Assistive Technology, and More!
Compliance-focused environments
Another challenge is that our kids are often in environments where compliance is overemphasized. In educational and therapeutic settings, learning to follow directions is important. However, children with disabilities might be steered toward compliance more than nondisabled children in an attempt to control their behavior. An overemphasis on compliance training can systematically undermine a child’s ability to develop self-determination. Often we see IEP goals that simply require the child to be compliant, without reference to specific activities they should participate in. More about this, with examples, in our self-determination section below. Read more about re-thinking compliance in our article Behavior 101.
Societal misconceptions
Societal misconceptions about people with disabilities are a big contributor to the problem. There is a widespread belief that individuals with disabilities cannot have meaningful relationships. Their social and emotional needs are often ignored or denied. And a focus on protecting them from information that is deemed irrelevant or inappropriate to them can actually increase their vulnerability.
Self-determination is the big picture. It’s what we all want for our kids. And there is a direct line between their understanding of their right to consent and their ability to become self-determined individuals.
Dr. Fundelius, who studies how to teach self-determination to students with vision disabilities, gives us the following definition for self-determination: “A combination of skills, knowledge, and beliefs that enables a person to engage in goal-directed, self-regulated, autonomous behavior. An understanding of one’s strengths and limitations, together with the belief in oneself as capable and effective, are essential to self-determination.”
Self-determination encompasses seven skills: choice-making, problem-solving, goal setting and attainment, self-regulation, self-management skills, self-advocacy and leadership skills, and self-knowledge and self-awareness. Developing these skills, says Dr. Fundelius, is what makes us self-determined, autonomous people.
Learning about consent is part of self-determination because consent is about making choices. Consent also requires self-knowledge and self-awareness (you have to know how you feel and what you want in order to know whether you want to say yes in any proposed situation) and the ability to self-advocate (the ability to say no and to stand up for your right to give or withdraw consent).
Compliance vs. consent
Dr. Fundelius says compliance-focused environments negatively impact self-determination. When compliance is the primary focus, children may be unable to develop personal and bodily autonomy, may become dependent on prompts rather than thinking independently, and may fear making choices. Children with disabilities may also be subject to forced compliance, which she describes as “manipulating a person’s free choice [in an effort] to ensure behavior that conforms to pressures.” This can include physically manipulating or “handling” a child’s body without consent, ignoring their attempts at communication, making all activities adult-directed, and prioritizing adult convenience over the child’s agency.
Focusing on compliance can undermine our teaching about consent in subtle ways. For example, if we give our child a choice but then don’t wait for their response and instead simply act on their behalf, it sends the message that their choice — and their consent — doesn’t really matter.
Being continually in situations where compliance is prioritized over consent not only undermines self-determination skills, it makes our kids targets for abuse.
Says Machado, “I come from the ABA world and I love the science, but I know that there is an over-emphasis on compliance and achieving those benchmarks and goals, and often therapists and clinicians aren't gaining assent from their clients, when this should be a regular part of their practice.” She says she sees some positive shifts toward consent-seeking happening in the ABA world. However, the overemphasis on compliance continues to be a persistent problem in virtually all environments for kids with disabilities.
“It’s not just in ABA, it’s across the board and in all educational environments,” Machado says. And the consequences can be dire. “When we’re working on compliance and we’re not checking in and we’re not gaining assent or consent, the individual is learning that they have to comply. They have to say yes to every adult that comes into their orbit and gives them a directive.” Although both Machado and Dr. Fundelius say teaching rule-following is important, they agree that it needs to be balanced so that it does not do more harm than good.
Consent applies not only to physical space and touch, but also to nonphysical aspects of relationships, such as how we talk to each other and treat each other. Friendships and peer relationships are another area where learning about consent is important.
Depending on their disabilities, our kids might be more susceptible to being taken advantage of or manipulated, and they might not naturally recognize this when it’s happening. It’s important that we teach them what a friend is and how a friend acts. This will be part of the larger conversation about how we all have different types of relationships (family, friends, acquaintances, strangers, and couples) with different rules and different boundaries for each.
“There’s a difference between a friend and a peer, and a friend is going to look out for you,” says Machado. She works with her clients to set up rules for how a friend acts, which helps them identify who is and is not a friend. “We give it some concrete rules just to kind of help discriminate between a friend and maybe somebody that we just kind of know.” Providing rules that define each kind of relationship and its boundaries gives children with disabilities a clear way to differentiate between them. For example, a peer may be someone you know who you see in the places you go (e.g., school, a program, etc.), but a friend is someone you spend your free time with and choose to hang out with.
When we teach our kids to recognize what a friend is, they are more able to identify when someone is not treating them as a friend should. If someone says they are a friend but crosses a boundary — for example, by trying to take your child’s money or trying to make them pay for everything every time they go to the movies together — then our kids will be able to recognize that this is not what a friend does, so that person is not a friend. Machado says role-play is an important way to teach this to our kids. It will help them more easily identify when someone is taking advantage of them or treating them in other ways that a friend shouldn’t.
Machado says secrets and privacy are important aspects of consent education, and she gives a few suggestions. The first, as described above, is to teach kids about the differences between public and private places and that we have different rules and boundaries for what happens in each kind of place. We also need to teach kids the difference between public and private information.
Public talk vs. private talk
“This is an important topic,” Machado says, because “many of the families I've worked with report that their child is an ‘over-sharer!’” She teaches kids that public information – or “public talk” – is information that can be shared with anyone, and that private information – “private talk” – is just for trusted people.
Some examples of public talk topics might include the weather, hobbies, directions, or the bus schedule. It’s okay to talk about these with anyone. Some examples of private talk topics that should not be shared with anyone are details or personal hygiene or medical concerns (e.g. your rash, your period, your toileting habits or supports), as well as your address and phone number, family issues, your finances, your passwords, and details about your romantic life. These are private topics that we discuss only with certain trusted people, not the general public.
Machado emphasizes that these are just a few simplified examples. Teaching the nuances of public versus private is something you’ll do as your kids grow, not all at once. Once they have a foundation for understanding these concepts, you can continually draw from real life examples that pop up, and the lessons will build on one another.
Good secrets vs. bad secrets
We also need to help kids distinguish between different types of secrets. “There’s good secrets and bad secrets,” says Machado. “Good secrets are surprises. They’re fun. They’re something that brings joy to people. Bad secrets are the kinds of secrets that make us feel uncomfortable or scared. These kinds of secrets get you, or someone you care about, hurt or in trouble. We teach that if someone tries to make you keep a bad secret, tell them ‘No’ and tell a trusted person, because this is a sign of coercion.”
We also need to teach kids to trust their feelings, which is part of teaching bodily autonomy. In the example we gave previously, if your child doesn’t want to hug a family member or friend who has asked for a hug, when you accept that decision, then you’re honoring your child’s feelings and reinforcing the idea that their feelings are to be trusted. Perhaps they feel uncomfortable hugging the person because they haven’t seen them in a long time, or perhaps the person gives hugs that feel too tight, or perhaps your child is just feeling shy.
Whatever the reason for their discomfort, the important thing is to honor it. With enough of this kind of reinforcement, when another situation comes along that makes them uncomfortable – for example, a grownup asking them to keep a bad secret – they will have a basis for trusting their feelings.
They also need to know that they should tell a trusted adult if someone asks them to keep a bad secret. “Encourage children to always go to their trusted adults, and you should never, ever be asked to keep a bad secret.”
As always, parents should use a developmental approach. Use age-appropriate language in talking about secrets and privacy. Start with simple concepts for younger children and build complexity as your children grow.
Speaking as a parent and not as an expert on social media consent, Machado acknowledges that social media is a tricky area for parents to navigate.
Many of us want to share about our kids. But we need to be aware of the potential dangers of sharing our children’s photos online. “Once you put it out there, you have no control over who accesses that image,” says Machado.
Even if your child consents now to allow you to share their image or information about them online, their feelings may change in the future. Machado warns, “As caregivers, we need to be cautious about oversharing and what that may do to a child's feelings of privacy, confidence, and self-esteem." As children grow and become more aware of their online presence, many have reported negative feelings about their lives being shared so widely on social media. This can damage not only the child’s sense of identity, but your relationship with them. “There’ve been some children that have gone on to say, as they’ve grown up, ‘I wish my parents hadn’t shown that or shared that when I was a kid.’”
Dr. Fundelius recommends that parents watch the documentary Bad Influence about so-called “kidfluencers,” children who gain millions of followers on social media, and their parents. Although most of our kids are not kidfluencers, the film offers insights relevant to all parents about the potential for abuse and exploitation of children on social media.
If our kids have not given us their permission or don’t fully understand the potential ramifications when we post images and information about them online, we are potentially violating their autonomy and putting them at risk. New generations of kids are now speaking up about this. Many are embarrassed; others feel manipulated and violated. Parents need to decide what’s best for their family. But Machado says her advice is to err on the side of caution in this subject.
When consent conflicts with safety and health concerns, prioritize safety.
“Ultimately, when it comes down to it, safety is number one,” says Machado. Sometimes a parent or caregiver must act to protect their child, even without consent. “If a child is running toward the street, I’m not going to yell and say, ‘Hey, may I stop you?’ While that is an extreme example, I find this resonates with parents and their understanding of consent versus safety concerns.”
Dangerous situations and emergencies, such as a child running into the street or reaching for a hot stove, are obvious examples where seeking consent would be counterproductive and unsafe. But what about when your child doesn’t want to take a COVID test or get their teeth cleaned?
It’s important to balance consent with necessity and to recognize that some interventions are critical for health. As parents, we must be prepared to make decisions that ensure our child’s well-being. But we also need to remember not to ignore consent just because it’s inconvenient.
Use physical prompting as a last resort
Dr. Fundelius says this comes up in her work teaching teachers about how to support students’ self-determination. “What I see — and to be honest, I was guilty of this myself as a teacher — is that we oftentimes, when we’re in a hurry, when something needs to be done, we don’t have a schedule, we immediately jump to the highest form of prompting, which is physical.” When we use physical prompting, we use hand-over-hand assistance or physical guidance. “So instead of giving a child an opportunity to process and to think through — and really, oftentimes 20 seconds is just too long for an adult to wait for a response — that’s how we rob our students and our children of communicating their needs.”
Dr. Fundelius says that too often children are “handled,” which she defines as “an adult using hand-over-hand technique or other physical prompts in which the child’s body, personal mobility, or support aid is manipulated to meet the expectations of the adults in charge.” She uses the familiar example of a child being held down while receiving vaccinations. Being physically restrained when they are already afraid can cause a fight or flight reaction in the child’s nervous system, triggering surging stress hormones and potentially trauma. However, many doctors and parents have found that by communicating and remaining calm, it is possible to get the child’s assent and to give the vaccination without trauma. But this requires us to advocate for our kids’ right to consent and to find providers that will prioritize consent.
Both the experts we spoke with said that with regard to medical procedures and similar situations, it’s important to seek our kids’ consent whenever possible. If your child is nonspeaking or has difficulties with speech, observe their body language and nonverbal cues. Communicate and check in to make sure they are OK with what’s happening. The overarching principle is to prioritize the child’s safety and health while still respecting their autonomy and feelings as much as possible.
What about emergencies?
There may be times – especially in urgent or emergency medical situations – when it is necessary to act without your child’s consent. But for non-emergency, routine medical procedures and appointments, such as blood draws, make it a priority to seek consent. Include your child in the decision making as much as possible. Explain why the treatment or procedure is important and necessary. Use age-appropriate language to explain health or safety concerns that you and the doctor have. Investigate their reasons — maybe there’s a reason you’re not aware of, and maybe there is something you can do to help. Through it all, do your best to convey respect for their feelings and to make them feel heard and understood.
For detailed practical guidance, head to our article How to Have a Stress-Free Medical Appointment for Your Child.
Parents can and should advocate for consent and bodily autonomy to be part of their child’s IEP. Machado points out that there are consistent educational gaps for kids on this topic, often based on faulty assumptions that our kids can’t understand or don’t need to learn about consent in relationships.
“Over the years I've met with countless caregivers, therapists, and educators that are under the assumption that children with disabilities can't understand relationships or aren't able to learn complex social skills,” Machado says. She observes that the lack of education about social boundaries, personal space, and consent is prevalent across all ages and demographics. “The general feeling is that it's just too hard to teach! On the contrary, if provided with the opportunity, the proper materials and learning environment, children with disabilities can thrive in the social world. We just need people willing to teach it.”
Machado encourages parents to speak openly about these topics in their child’s IEP meetings. She has several suggestions for parents who want to request consent and bodily autonomy be included in their child’s IEP.
Push for the inclusion of social-emotional learning components. Social-emotional learning focuses on helping students build skills they’ll need throughout school and life, such as how to build and maintain healthy relationships, understand and manage their emotions, and make good choices. All of these are foundational for learning about consent. Your child should receive developmentally-appropriate social-emotional learning beginning in preschool and throughout their schooling. To start, ask your IEP team how they are supporting your child’s social-emotional growth. You can also ask for an assessment
Request adapted sex education curriculum. Ask that your child receive adapted sex education instruction and that it be tailored to their needs and learning style. Machado says that children in special education are usually not even offered sex education unless they are in general education classes, where the curriculum is often not adapted to their child’s needs. More on this topic below.
Work to address educational gaps. Remind the school that children with disabilities are commonly excluded from comprehensive sex education and have significant educational gaps in this topic. Emphasize the need for foundational concepts about relationships and boundaries. Point out that the standard curriculum often doesn’t meet your child’s needs.
Request specific, developmentally appropriate IEP goals related to consent and bodily autonomy. Include goals related to topics such as understanding personal boundaries, recognizing appropriate versus inappropriate touch, learning consent concepts, developing assertiveness skills, and developing social-emotional learning competencies.
Advocate proactively for consent education. Communicate with school districts about the importance of these educational components to your child’s health and well-being. Be prepared to explain why adapted instruction is crucial. Seek providers who understand and support these educational needs. Be persistent and specific in advocating for your child’s need for comprehensive, adapted instruction on consent, bodily autonomy, and social-emotional learning that meets their individual developmental needs.
Depending on where you live, there are a variety of laws regarding sex education. Some states do not even require sex education or information on consent. You can find information about each state here.
In California, for example, sex education is mandated, but unfortunately the topic of consent is not. Machado refers parents who are interested in learning more about this to The California Healthy Youth Act, enacted in January 2016, which outlines sex education requirements and guidelines for implementation. Machado points out that, per California’s education code, materials and instructions must be appropriate for and accessible to students with disabilities. (See #13 of these FAQs on California’s sexual education requirements.) If you receive pushback from your child’s school, you can remind them of these state requirements.
Unfortunately, although adapted sex education is required in certain states like California, many students with disabilities do not receive it. Machado says that in her experience, sex education lessons often are simply not taught in special education classrooms. Some students may be given the opportunity to participate in sex ed classes alongside the school’s general population, but often parents find these courses are ill-adapted for their child’s needs.
“I've spoken to many parents who review the sex education materials offered by their school and immediately know their child will not absorb this material or be able to participate, so they opt out.” Often, the classes are fast-paced and content-heavy, with lessons that don’t use evidence-based practices for teaching students with disabilities. Another problem, Machado says, is the courses may only cover a few social topics, such as consent and bodily autonomy, but that the majority of foundational social concepts, such as relationships, boundaries, coercion, assertiveness, and self-esteem, are not covered. The coursework is based on the assumption that incoming students already understand these concepts.
In some cases, kids don’t receive sex education because their parents don’t think they need or will benefit from it, so they opt out. When Machado works with parents who feel this way, she urges them to reconsider. “Once we discuss how the information provided in sex education isn't just about intercourse, and educating them can help reduce their risk of sexual abuse, parents are quite enthusiastic about having their children participate.”
She adds, “It has been my overwhelming experience that parents want help and are looking for resources, but their school is falling short.” Unfortunately, sex education is an area where schools consistently fail in their responsibility to provide adapted curriculum and instruction for students with disabilities. Parents will most likely have to advocate for their child to receive this instruction, and it may be an uphill battle, but it is worth it.
By early, we mean early.
Dr. Fundelius, who specializes in working with children and adults who are blind or have low vision, says consent education should start in infancy. She teaches parents and caregivers to narrate to their baby during diapering or bathing, describing what they are doing.
“If I have a child and I’m giving them a bath, then I can narrate. ‘I am touching your arm. These are your fingers. I’m washing your belly,’” says Dr. Fundelius. Narrating has multiple benefits. “If I can teach parents to narrate consistently what they are doing with the child, then the child is developing concepts, they are bonding, and the child is learning about their body, because when I’m verbalizing, it’s actually telling the child, ‘People should be telling me when they are touching me.’ And that starts at birth.”
It’s a technique she teaches to parents of children who are blind or have low vision, but it benefits all children. Dr. Fundelius calls it “consent for babies.” Because even in infancy, children can begin learning the fundamental lesson that touch shouldn’t happen without communication, which has important implications for the rest of their lives.
If your child is older, you can still begin incorporating this concept into your interactions organically by narrating touch and teaching them to identify the parts of their body.
Modeling is one of the most important ways we can teach our kids about consent. Machado suggests that parents model consent by asking for permission before touching their children, even in family settings.
“This is going to look different for every individual and every family,” she says, but parents can incorporate simple consent-seeking language in everyday interactions. “Simple things, like [saying], ‘Your shoes untied. Can I help you tie that?‘ If we’re working on teeth-brushing, ‘Can I help you brush your teeth?’ Or, ‘May I hold your hand to go to the restroom?’” These brief check-ins can teach our children that they have a say in whether an adult touches them or enters their personal space.
Machado says this can be done even for children with significant support needs, though the interactions might look a little different. For children who are nonspeaking, we should remember not to fall into the trap of assuming that they are incapable of consent or that seeking their consent is irrelevant. Machado says you can observe their body language, eye gaze, and other ways nonspeaking individuals communicate to determine whether they are OK with you entering their personal space. While there are situations where health and safety will take priority over obtaining consent, in many everyday interactions with our kids, we can model consent-seeking routinely just by asking before touching them or entering their personal space.
By modeling consent, we teach our child to expect respectful and consensual interactions. Says Machado, “You can be modeling that language consistently throughout the day, and that can go with anything from self-care needs to whether you want to give a hug or a kiss. Even with your own child: ‘Can I give you a hug?’ When they hear that, they get used to somebody asking them.” Over time, if we’re consistent, “then they begin to expect it, and they will expect it from other people,” Machado says.
For consent education to work, our kids need to learn that they can say no to touch and that their no will be heard.
“When they’re little kids, we need to start talking about their bodies and their personal space and making sure that they know that they can always say no, and that their no means something,” says Machado, “and that as caregivers, we’re going to honor that.”
Hugs are an everyday opportunity to teach kids that their no matters, though this can be a sensitive topic in families. We’ve all been there. An aunt or grandma who hasn’t seen our child in a while reaches out to hug our child, and our child hesitates, backs away, or outright refuses. Perhaps to prevent the adult’s discomfort (and our own), or perhaps because it’s a family norm and felt to be a sign of respect to give hugs, we might urge our child to assent to being hugged despite their hesitation. But both Machado and Dr. Fundelius say that forcing our kids to hug someone when they don’t want to sends the wrong message. Forcing physical interactions, even hugs to people they know, goes against the things we are trying to teach them about consent — and it can set them up for risky situations.
“Because if we teach them that they have to go hug somebody, they have to go kiss somebody, even if it’s family, then we are opening the door for perpetrators to walk in,” says Machado. Both she and Dr. Fundelius reminds parents most abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows, either an acquaintance or family member. In fact, in 90% of child sex abuse cases, the abuser is someone the child knows. When we force our child into interactions they do not want, then “we’re not teaching them that boundary of, ‘If I don’t want to be touched, I don’t have to be touched.’ And that goes for everyone.”
How to help relatives respect a child's bodily autonomy
Remind relatives and acquaintances to ask for a hug, rather than hugging without asking or demanding a hug. If your child says no, support their decision.
Dr. Fundelius says, “I think what it comes down to is teaching our family members that this is how we choose to parent our child, and this is how we draw the line, and it’s nothing against you, and it’s nothing against the family traditions or the culture of the family. But we would like to ask you to ask [our] child before hugging.”
Dr. Fundelius acknowledges that it can be uncomfortable for us as parents to enforce our child’s right to boundaries. If there’s any tension, one way to ease it is by offering alternatives.
“I am a big fan of fist bumps and high fives,” she says. Asking a child whether they would like to offer one of these or a simple wave instead of a hug can go a long way toward supporting their bodily autonomy.
Keep the big picture in mind
“I think we have to be okay as adults, that it’s not a way of rejection of our person if a child doesn’t want to hug us,” Dr. Fundelius says. Sometimes it takes kids a while to warm up. And sometimes they just don’t feel like being hugged. If adults get offended, remind them about the big picture: as parents, we want to respect our child’s boundaries and teach them that touch should always be invited and consensual. “She doesn’t want a hug? Okay. I am not taking it personally because I want to honor your body,” says Dr. Fundelius. “Would I like a hug? Yes, but that’s not going to support her emotional and mental well-being.”
Dr. Fundelius and Machado advise parents to be aware of and advocate for their children’s rights to consent in all environments. Speak to therapists, educators, and other providers about the importance of gaining consent from children.
Machado said in her work, she teaches kids several elements that help them learn to discriminate between touch that is appropriate and touch that isn’t.
It starts with helping kids understand relationship contexts. Our kids need to learn that there are different types of relationships — family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers — and that there are different boundaries and rules for each. That is, the way we interact with a person and what kind of touch is OK depends on the relationship we have with them.
Machado says it’s also important to distinguish between public touches versus private touches. Kids need to learn that certain touches are OK only in specific places and with specific people. For example, we might open our mouth for our dentist in the dentist’s office but not to a stranger on the sidewalk. Kids should be taught that location and context matter and that different professional roles have different rules and boundaries. “For example, if a doctor is going to examine you, they must be doing it in a doctor's office, they must be wearing gloves, and you can always ask for a trusted person to be with you,” she says. “This kind of exam and these kinds of touches are not a secret. Knowing these boundaries will help children recognize when something doesn't feel right."
When teaching kids about appropriate and inappropriate touch, we must return again and again to the fundamental principle that touch requires consent. Dr. Fundelius says too often we don’t teach this fundamental lesson until kids are in puberty. But by then, they have had a lifetime of interactions involving varying kinds of touch, for which we have given them little to no guidance. Consent education needs to start much earlier for all our kids, but especially for those who have physical support needs.
According to Machado and Dr. Fundelius, this is why it is so critical that we are consistent in how we teach and model consent with our kids. Because if we talk about consent but don’t walk the walk, our kids will believe our actions more than our words. If we fail to seek their consent in our interactions with them and if we fail to advocate for their right to bodily autonomy with other adults, our kids will believe their consent doesn’t matter.
Machado suggests several practical strategies for teaching kids about touch. She says to make learning more effective by using concrete examples and role-playing different scenarios. It’s also important to teach kids to trust their instincts and to communicate with trusted adults when they feel something is off. The goal is to help children understand that touch is situational, it requires consent, and it should always make them feel safe and comfortable.
Dr. Fundelius says kids must learn that “any touch that is not invited by me is not an OK touch.”
This is critical for kids with disabilities — and even more so for those with significant support needs — because often they depend on other people for help in ways that involve touch. This includes everything from toileting to writing to being physically lifted into and out of a wheelchair. If they learn that it is normal for people to touch them and come into their personal space without communication or invitation, they will be more vulnerable.
“Effectively, when we are teaching our students that their words matter, that their bodies matter, then slowly they will learn what appropriate touch is from anyone, let that be a family member or a stranger. Because any touch that is uninvited is uninvited, and it’s a trespass, and it doesn’t matter if that’s mom, dad, or the neighbor,” says Dr. Fundelius. “I think the more experiences they have, the more likely that they can communicate and expect better treatment.”
This is another reason why consistency is critical. If we tell a child that they can say no but then we make exceptions for certain adults, that can be confusing and ultimately harmful. Because the reality is, most abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows.
Dr. Fundelius and Machado are quick to point out that there are cultural differences when it comes to touch and personal space and that these should be honored. In some cultures, for example, people stand close together when speaking to each other. But the fundamental principles remain that touch should always be invited, comfortable, and safe.
In sex education, we learn that sexual consent isn’t a one-time thing. We all have the right to change our minds at any point. The same goes for consent in other interactions.
It’s important to be consistent in this. For kids with greater support needs or who are nonspeaking, this requires us to communicate more with them, not less.
“So if I am working with a student with extensive support needs, I have to consistently ask whether or not I can continue touching them, or move their mobility aids, or if I can provide them with personal care,” says Dr. Fundelius. “If I as an adult, providing this service or providing this support, asked once and I told them, ‘I’m going to be taking you to the toilet and support you in toileting,’ and then I don’t ever ask again, I’m effectively trespassing on their bodies and their beings and their autonomy.”
We might think these topics can wait until kids are older. But remember that consent and bodily autonomy are concepts kids can learn — and need to know — at all ages and developmental levels.
Machado advises parents and caregivers to take a progressive learning approach. “Start with very young children,” she says. “Introduce small bits of information gradually. Don’t wait until middle or high school to introduce these topics.” Remember that you are building a foundation for your child to expect respectful, consensual interactions throughout their life. “Start with basic concepts like public/private, personal space, and consent. Add more complex ideas as children grow older,” she says. “Build on foundational concepts over time."
Every child is different, so tailor the information and how you communicate it to your child. Use developmentally appropriate language and examples. Take a progressive approach, starting with simple and small bits of information, adding more detailed discussions of boundaries as the child grows, and discussing more complex relationships and concepts of assertiveness when it’s developmentally appropriate.
Keep the conversation ongoing
Teaching consent is not a one-time lesson. Instead, Machado says, think of it as an ongoing conversation with your child. Plan to build these concepts into your relationship. Look for opportunities in everyday interactions to model and practice, and use role-play with specific examples to help your kids learn. Machado says, “The goal is starting early, being consistent, and gradually increasing complexity while always respecting the individual’s specific developmental needs."
Our kids are always learning from us — whether or not we think we’re teaching them. James Baldwin once said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” They learn by observing us and by how we interact with them.
Some parents never learned or thought much about bodily autonomy and consent and might feel unprepared to teach these topics. If that’s you, you’re not alone. Many of us were raised in compliance-focused environments and learned that our bodies were not our own. We might need to learn about consent and bodily autonomy along with our kids.
“I was raised to be compliant, very compliant. But the ’70s, ’80s was a little bit different, and I did not know what abuse really meant because I was not educated on it. So here I am, an academic in 2025,” says Dr. Fundelius, now an expert in this topic. But years ago, as a young adult, she says, “I had no idea what uninvited touch meant, and so it was a pretty big lesson to learn at 18.”
There are a lot of resources out there on teaching kids about consent. When looking for materials, Machado recommends that parents look for resources “that teach consent as a positive ongoing process,” and that will be fun and engaging for kids. She reminds parents not to focus solely on sex and “private touches.” Our kids need to learn about consent in everyday interactions in all kinds of relationships and situations.
Specialized teaching and resources
While many children have great sex education classes in school, it is important for children with disabilities to have access to specialized classes that are designed with them in mind. Many Regional Centers offer a class for children ages nine and up on bodies and boundaries. You might also find a class by the amazing Terri Cowenhaven. You can also talk to your school about using curriculum materials that include modifications for students with disabilities, such as Positive Prevention Plus. The SEEDS Therapy Center in San Diego has developed a curriculum focused on helping kids and young adults with disabilities understand puberty and preparing them for healthy, safe relationships.
Social stories
A Social Story™ is commonly used to help children understand events taking place in their lives as well as social norms and how to interact with the world around them — situations such as learning about safety and boundaries. You can use our social story template to write a social story about consensual touch, for example. Here is one example from The Autism Services, Education, Resources, and Training Collaborative (ASERT). Find more information on social stories in our articles What is a Social Story? Featuring Carol Gray and How to Write a Social Story — With Templates!
Books
Machado and Dr. Fundelius both recommended the book Consent (for Kids!): Boundaries, Respect, and Being in Charge of YOU. Machado says the book “has great illustrations of each topic and simple language that kids can understand and parents can easily discuss.”
Dr. Fundelius sent us a list of books on her bookshelf, aimed at kids of all different developmental stages. Try these to get started!
Picture books:
Chapter books:
For more information about these topics, explore our articles Talking to Kids About Personal Safety and Preparing for Puberty.
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